What a Girl is to Do

Q: Ok, I admit it, I've had a checkered relationship past. Haven't we all? A little too open to some undeserving or not-so-interested guys (just not into me!), closed off to nice guys, blah blah blah.

I have been on a hiatus from the boys altogether for more than a year, and have basically been closed off to all possibilities (I needed a break!). I'm at a point now where I feel open to being in a relationship, but I don't know where to begin! Online dating has been recommended to me multiple times, but I'm not really comfortable with that idea (I don't even do online banking!)

What's a girl in her mid-30's to do? - Coco

A: Dear Coco, let me first point out a few really good things about being single: 1) you can remain morally superior when assessing your friends' relationships; 2) you don't have to shave, wax, etc unless you feel like it or are going to the beach; and 3) you can shamelessly flirt with whomever you want, guilt-free.

Now, if you're still determined to meet someone and give up all the good stuff listed above, I would say the first thing to do is change your attitude. Yes, the idea of meeting someone great can feel really daunting, particularly during long spells of not meeting anyone even possibly great. But we have to keep the faith. If you are as ready as you say you are for a relationship, you have to open yourself up.

I understand your reluctance to date online. There are many crazy people on the internet. There are many crazy people everywhere, however, and there is inevitable crazy person sifting that must happen in life. People who date online are still, above all, people. So you might want to consider opening yourself up to the possibility. (Oh, and you should do online banking for sure. So convenient!)

Having said that, of course there are a million ways/places to meet someone. The last 5 guys I've met that I've either liked/gone on dates with I met at: 1) a wedding; 2) the dog park; 3) on the subway; 4) in a bar (he was the bartender); and 5) at work. And if there is a common denominator to these varied meetings, it was a general relaxed and non-expectant attitude on my part.

I'm not saying "you'll find someone when you're not looking." I hate that expression because it's like saying "don't think about white elephants." It's useless. I always took that as meaning give up on finding love, and only then will you find it. I don't know about you, but I'm not a quitter. I was looking for love when I met those guys, but I wasn't necessarily looking in the moment I met them. I was just having a good time- with my dog at the dog park, with my friends at the wedding and in the bar. At work I was there to work, not find a boyfriend, and on the subway it was late and I was just trying to get home.

When my co-worker invited me out after work to watch a Yankee game, I said yes even though I wasn't romantically interested in him at the time (I soon came to be, and yes, the co-worker is Ricky). When I got on the subway train and noticed the cute guy noticing me, I headed in his direction and sat near him. Sure enough, he struck up a conversation, which I welcomed.

I say all of this to say, that there is of course no magic formula for meeting men. But you can live your life and do the things you and enjoy and just be open to the possibility that someone will be drawn to you simply because you are doing just that. Ricky once made a comment about a woman we work with "not looking single" which I thought was fascinating and I asked him what he meant. And he said she wasn't looking around while she was out, not making eye contact, and carrying herself in a general "unfriendly and can't be bothered" sort of way. I knew there was a lesson in there - and I think it's this. Don't look not single. Keep yourself open to the possibility that there could be someone around whose eye you've caught. There's no harm in smiling at that cute guy, and there's no guarantee that he's going to be where you expect him to be.

Good luck, Coco. And let me know how it goes!