It is possible that I am not emotionally equipped to be in a relationship. I seem to have entered a new phase of emotional self-awareness, and let me tell you - I am aware I am possibly a crazy person.
Ricky and I have had many bumps in the road. Upon entering our new phase of mutual non-relationship understanding, I expected it to be smooth sailing. Really. Yes, of course I should know better. As of yesterday, Ricky and I are on the outs. It isn't the first time this has happened and it probably won't be the last.
The last time we had a bump, it was caused by him saying something insensitive (about the hotness of his friend's roommate) while drunk and waking up the next morning with no recollection of having uttered the offensive statement. And when I get pissed, I get really pissed. So I was barely able to look at him, much less speak to him the next morning. After a little while of him clearly being baffled and me being too angry to enlighten him, he asks what the matter is. I tell him, and he is further baffled, commenting that she isn't even hot, (Oh - I didn't mention that he retracted the hot comment after saying it the night before - Irrelevant!) and he doesn't know why he would say that. Clearly unappeased by his apology, he puts his arms around me, looks me in the eye, and says "I'm going to have to start taking better care of this relationship, because it's really important to me."
And well, I didn't let on to him at that exact moment that he had made it all OK, but he had. And shortly thereafter I let him off the hook. And I told myself we'd reached a milestone - everything was going to be OK now. Really. Yes, of course I should have known better.
The next hiccup was caused by what I can only describe as my passive-aggressive tendencies. I was spending the night at Ricky's apartment after a lovely evening. I wake up in the middle of the night to discover that he is on the sofa in the living room watching college basketball. And this really bothers me, for reasons I can't even fully understand. I ask him why he's on the sofa, and he says it's because he can't sleep and he'll be back in bed in a little while. So I go back to bed and wake up at 7:30 the following (Saturday) morning to discover that he's still on the sofa, fast asleep, TV still on. And again, I am just really bothered by this. Why is he sleeping on a sofa when he can be sleeping with me?
I like to take action in these situations (well, really I like to sulk but he's sleeping so that would be ineffective), so after a moment of intense pondering, I decide what to do. I decide to leave. Never mind it's an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning or that I am painfully sleepy and all I really want to do is go back to bed. I take a shower, I get dressed, and as I am getting my stuff together to walk out the door, he wakes up. When he asks me why I'm leaving, I tell him: "What else am I supposed to do? I couldn't sleep either." This is basically a lie and fundamentally a passive-aggressive tactic to punish him for sleeping on the sofa. Worst part is, I know it and I am powerless to stop myself. Ugh. How embarrassing.
To Ricky's credit, he calmly asks me to stay and to give him a minute to wake up. So he gets up, takes a shower and makes himself some coffee, then makes me breakfast. And all the while I'm sitting on the sofa with a scarf around my neck and my arms folded, ready to hop up at any moment. After I eat, I force myself to soften. And he grabs me and makes me cuddle with him on the sofa, which he knows is one of my favorite things to do. And due to his concerted effort to make it better, I let go of my possibly irrational anger and definitely irrational response to that anger and all is well.
That is, until yesterday. There was what could have been an unremarkable incident involving a lottery ticket that we purchased together, but I was in not the best of moods (though not taking it out on him, for the record!) and he made a comment about me taking my bad mood and leaving him alone (I wasn't even taking it out him! I had simply commented on my bad mood), and this just really upset me. So I got mad at him and he either got mad at me in return or is giving me space to be mad or maybe he's got something else going on his head entirely. I have no idea. And unless and until he makes the effort to communicate with me, this could go on for awhile.
I'm not handling this in the best way, I know. And I hate to think of myself of someone who needs "handling", but I have to admit that I am. However, I know that my propensity to shut down when upset is not an incurable disease, rather a persistent condition. Isn't admitting that I have a problem the first step?
3 comments:
Is there a possibility that he is trying to deal with larger issues in his life, like a major life adjustment that involves you? And that maybe there are times to close off or "teach" him a lesson -- but maybe this isn't one of those times?
babelicious,
You have some inside information about what might be bothering him, and that's all well and good, but he still needs to talk to me about it, not just be an ass. But I hear you that I could be more understanding. Perhaps I will be the bigger person and start the conversation, but I'm not done sulking just yet.
i totally relate to this post and would have reacted the same exact way. Any advice YoFranny on how to get out of the "emotionally shutdown" funk when your significant other rubs you the wrong way? My boyfriend could say one small thing that upsets me and our entire evening will be ruined, cause i can't seem to snap out of my bad mood. I can't seem to control it!
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