Men, Men Everywhere (Part Two)

So, to answer the question posed by my west coast reader - I think it's easier to meet men on the west coast.  BUT just as I wrote about Part One below, I think that's because of California Me.  California Me is like Regular (a.k.a. East Coast) Me, only more open.  When I lived in California, because it wasn't home, it wasn't familiar and it wasn't populated with all of my long-time friends and social circles, I didn't have a choice but to branch out.  If I wanted a social life, I was going to have to create it, rather than rely on my usual circle of friends.

As a result, I went to all types of events, hung out in various parts of town and accepted invitations I would have declined back in New York.  I wasn't always trying to meet men, but I did without much effort.  Now, I'm not saying they were all Prince Charmings.  Did I mention I'm not happily committed to an amazing man?  Right.  So take this (like all of my advice) with a grain of salt.  The lesson here is that I was living the experiment I wrote about in Part One, without even trying.

All of this means that you, my west coast friend, might have an easier time on the east coast.  But you also might want to try changing your approach right where you are.  I know single women in New York who think it's nearly impossible to meet a man here, or at least one who actually wants to commit (it can feel that way sometimes).  I know single women in D.C. who want to move because they think they will never get married if they stay there (I wasn't single when I lived there, so I wasn't attuned to the dating scene).

More and more I am coming to believe that love is not luck.  It is in our power to find love if we are open to it in whatever form it might take.  Blaming our current location might be convenient, it might even be supported by statistical evidence.  But I know that whenever I have made a point to be more open to all the possibilities around me, they have presented themselves.  Good luck!

Men, Men Everywhere (yes, even there!) Part One

I received a question from a single woman in Los Angeles asking for my opinion, as someone who has lived on both coasts, where it is easiest to meet men.  She's considering moving east and one reason is her desire to meet a man. 

Lately I'm hearing a lot of women complaining about a dearth of men - in the city where they live, in the places where they work, where they hang out, etc.  Before I get into the east coast vs. west coast debate, I thought I'd post a "vintage" yofranny post from a now-defunct blog I wrote in 2009.  I think that it addresses the "man shortage" issue in general...

Like most women of my generation, I am a fan of the TV show Sex and the City. Much has been said of the unreality of the designer clothes and the amount of time these career women had to sit around and kvetch about their man woes.  For me, the thing that struck me as most unrealistic about the show was how easily all of the characters met men.

Men are, of course, everywhere.  They're on the subway, in the supermarket, at the movie theater, the gym, the dentist's office - everywhere.  But are attractive, available men who want to date me everywhere?  I have had my Sex and the City moments.  I've gone out with men I've met at yoga, in line at the deli and sitting next to me at a restaurant.  So I know it can happen, it just seems to happen so rarely.

I recognize the possibility that it's me.  Not my physical attractiveness - that is what it is, and I'm going to be some men's cup of tea and not others.  That I can live with.  But perhaps it is my mindset - my expectation that men are not everywhere, even though they are plainly all around me.  Maybe I just need to open my eyes and keep them aimed in the direction of the attractive/interesting guy browsing the dairy section and think to myself, "What would Carrie do?"  Most likely, she would smile, look away coyly and then back again.  I think I can manage that.  We'll see how it goes.


Maybe all the single ladies out there should give that a try too!

The Neglectful Blogger

Perhaps you've noticed my prolonged absence from the interwebs (actually, been yakking it up on Twitter - it's much less time-consuming!).  I apologize, to you and to myself, because I actually do love to blog.  My life has been unusually and unrelentingly hectic as of late.  All is very well, no worries! But enough excuses!

I have a few long overdue advice requests.  The first comes from Saara:

How do you deal when you can't stand your fiance's family?

Yikes.  That can be a problem.  I suppose it depends.  Now when you say you can't stand them, what level of "can't stand" do you mean?  Is it Amy Adams in "The Fighter" getting into a brawl with Mark Wahlberg's sisters after being called a skank?  Because if it's that bad, I suggest moving to a different city, or perhaps a restraining order.  If there is no actual flinging of slurs or press-on nails, consider yourself lucky!  It could be worse.  

Seriously, though - I do know that this can be a major problem.  Since you are getting married (congratulations, by the way!) his family will soon be your family too.  Which means that you are stuck with them and that there is a level of acceptance that you have to embrace for your own sanity.  None of this is to say that you should put up with poor treatment or that you should have to spend every weekend at your in-laws. But if they treat you well (or at least as well as they treat each other) you know that their behavior isn't personal.  Knowing that might be able to give you perspective to rise about whatever it is about them you find irritating.  And if they don't treat you well, I think you are perfectly entitled to turn to your fiance for protection.  After all, he's stuck with them too.  But he chose you. 

Good luck! 

Friends Sans Benefits

I received a question from a man we will call Charlie about how to let down a female friend of his (we will call her Donna) who has romantic feelings for him that he does not share.  Some months ago, Donna wrote Charlie a soul-bearing email expressing her desire that they be more than friends.  A week later he responds, saying that he thinks they should wait and see how things unfold between them and that's all he can manage for the time being.  The friendship continues.  She gives him gifts and does things for him.  They do not see each other as they live in different cities.  He knows in his heart that he does not share her feelings and hopes that she has given up the ghost.  

After a recent conversation, Donna is moved to send Charlie an email which is too lengthy to reprint here but the title is: There's No Easy Way to Say It.  Oy.  If you're expecting the email to be cringe-worthy, you would be correct.  The bottom line of her email: I am angry that it took you so long to respond to my soul-bearing email, I am angry that we have not discussed it further beyond "wait and see", I am angry because I feel that you've rejected me, and all this anger is making it hard for me to want to be your friend, but I want to be your friend so we have to work to repair our friendship.  

Let me first say that this hits close to home because I have been Donna.  I've written a soul-bearing missive or two in my day.  That's why I cringed severely when reading Donna's email.  I get it, Donna.  And take it from me, this isn't going to end well.  

Now, on to Charlie.  I wish you could just like Donna.  That would make this all so much easier!  Does the world really need another disappointed woman???  But I suppose it's not your fault you don't feel that way for her.  The reasons don't matter much if that is your bottom line.  

If you care about Donna (which I imagine that you do) and you want to continue being friends with her (which I also imagine that you do), the first thing you have to do is: apologize.  Since you are a man, as a general rule of thumb when dealing with matters of the heart, this should be your first course of action.  And you do owe Donna an apology, starting with your behavior when she sent the original "will you be my boyfriend?" email.  I know it was uncomfortable for you.  I personally hate when people I have no romantic interest in like me, it stresses me out.  But discomfort aside, what you owed her was a swift acknowledgment (even if you didn't have time to fully answer immediately due to outside factors) and then an honest reply.  Yes, you were trying to let her down easy.  But let me tell you, us women can talk ourselves into anything!  You didn't say NO, and so that left the door open.  Time to close it. 

Ask yourself honestly Charlie, have you enjoyed Donna's attentions and affections?  Would she have been giving you gifts and making herself available to you if you had been honest with her from the beginning?  No matter what your answers are, you owe her another apology.  For being oblivious, or obtuse or insensitive or all of the above.  The bottom line is, Donna has obviously not taken the necessary steps to protect herself from heartbreak.  If she asked me, I would tell her to distance herself from you, not to send you another gift, issue a strict moratorium on soul-bearing emails, and to start dating other people because you and Charlie is never going to happen, and if by some miracle it does, he will never respect you.  

But Donna hasn't asked my advice, Charlie has.  So Charlie, do for Donna what she cannot do for herself.  You have to extinguish her hope.  With LOVE and KINDNESS, of course!  But not in a wishy-washy "maybe one day" way.  That's selfish and that may serve your ego but not your friend.  Nevermind that you might think she should have already gotten the picture (she should have, but that's easy for us to say when our feelings aren't involved).  You might lose her friendship, at least for awhile while she moves past her feelings.  But if you truly care about her, you will want her to be free to move on and engage in more productive romantic pursuits...  

A final word about the "friendship healing" Donna is seeking.  Donna, you're killing me, because you are reminding me of a mid-20s version of me, and that me is just beyond mortifying...  But I digress.  Donna is not really as concerned about your "friendship" as she pretends to be.  That's what she has to tell herself to rationalize re-opening the can of worms that you have been hoping had been long dead and buried.  Not that she doesn't care about it, she just cares more about the romantic relationship she wants to have with you.  But you care about the friendship, so you apologize.  In friendship, you tell her where she stands.  It's going to suck for her to hear it, but it's for the best.  What she does with that information is up to her.  Good luck!

Carrie Bradshaw Never Had These Problems...

I'm adding Carrie to my list of fictional characters whom I blame for some behavior/viewpoint/attitude that has had some unfortunate consequence in my love life.  It's an illustrious list that includes Miss Elizabeth Bennett, Miss Piggy and Sally Albright, to name a few. 

Carrie, no thank you for being a sex columnist.  You made a living writing about the intimate details of your love life with no consequences.  None of your boyfriends seemed to mind this in the least.  No one used the details of your escapades against you, no crazy girlfriends of ex-boyfriends used your column to stalk you.  Pffft!  Thanks for that slice of unreality!

Is writing about myself cathartic?  Yes.  Is it without real world consequences? Hell to the NO.  I say this to say that I need you, dear reader, to give me something to write about that doesn't involve me.  Besides, I suspect I'm not nearly as interesting to you as I am to me.  So - got anything for me??

Hasta La Vista, Baby!

What was up with 2010? So many people really seemed to go through it this year.  On this final day, I'm feeling especially optimistic.  2010 has been... interesting.  Even in my current happy state I am glad to be done with it.  The high road I've been traversing the past few months suddenly has a spectacular view!  I'm grateful to start 2011 way up here.  

I'm ringing in the New Year in the most perfect fashion, surrounded by some of the loveliest people I know (and I daresay, on the planet!).  I'm also grateful that Bono is on Twitter.  He sent me this gem today (yes, he sent it to me):

"Happy New Years!  Let the grief & wrongs of the past stay there & the hope for a better tomorrow remain fearless in you."

Word.  Sending LOVE to you all.  

Crack is not wack!

Help me Dr. Love Fauxpert!  Where is the line between forcing yourself to be "open" and simply not feeling that "chemistry" (or crack, as i sometimes refer to it) with someone?  

- Crackless

Dear Crackless,

Oh, the crack.  The problematic, beautiful, intangible crack.  That business can get us into trouble, but we need it! Without it, we should just be friends.  As you are undoubtedly discovering, you can't force it.  You can force yourself to give someone a chance, if they are otherwise worthy of your time, but you can't force chemistry.  It's easy to think that I should like this person because he/she is smart or attractive or funny or smells good - but all those factors are irrelevant without that crack. 

Someone once told me that you can't ever really know for sure if you're attracted to someone until you kiss them. And like Helen Hunt posited in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", ask yourself: Would I puke if he kissed me?  If not, give it a chance! Otherwise, friends it is!!