On Scheming Women...

The Love Fauxpert got a long question this time, so here's a summary of the issue:
1. Ben and Hope are in a long-term committed relationship.
2. Ben had a co-worker, Beth - who raised some jealous feelings in Hope due to Ben's ravings about Beth.
3. After a year, Hope winds up meeting Beth, discovers Beth has her own boyfriend (they go on a double date), and that she is generally awesome.
4. Ben leaves the company and Hope and Beth become friends, particularly after Beth breaks up with her boyfriend and wants to spend more time with her girlfriends.
5. As Hope and Beth become closer, Hope notices that Beth is uncomfortably flirty with Ben. WTF?
6. Ben mentions there is a opening at his company, and Beth asks to go to brunch with him, alone, to discuss it.
7. Now Hope has to admit to herself and Ben that something about his and Beth's relationship makes her uncomfortable. And she doesn't like the idea of them working together every day. But Hope does tell Ben she doesn't want him not to offer Beth the job on her account.
8. Ben is surprised and apologetic, but Hope still feels like he's humoring her and secretly thinks she's being crazy.
9. Beth gets offered the job, but to Hope's relief doesn't accept it for career reasons. In the meantime, Hope becomes increasingly disturbed by Beth's increasingly flirtatious and inappropriate behavior. For instance, Beth tells Hope that she feels like she's "broken up" with Ben by not accepting the job.
10. The icing on the cake has been Beth coming over to Hope's house, asking if Ben was around so she can tell him "he's still the love of her life." And on Ben's recent birthday, Beth wrote on his Facebook wall: "Happy Birthday handsome - You're the wind beneath my wings."
BONUS: Hope has confided to Beth that she has had trust issues with Ben in the past.

SO, Hope wants to know:

Q: "am I overreacting or is Beth totally clueless when it comes to what's appropriate? What I do now and how do I get over my trust issues?"

A: My oh my. I hardly know where to begin. Let me start by staying that you are not overreacting. Not at all. As a woman, this kind of behavior really offends me. I personally go out of my way to stay far, far into the friend zone when it comes to my girlfriends' partners. But I digress - let me cut to the chase - you need to cut that conniving such-and-such Beth off. And here's why. Beth is romantically interested in your boyfriend. Now, we can't help the way we feel, so I'm not going to fault her for that. Having a crush on your friend's boyfriend doesn't make you a bad friend. It's what you do about it that matters. And what I fault Beth for is her behavior. It is possible that she is not conscious of it. Unlikely as flying pigs, but possible. I have known some women who are almost completely incapable of relating to men in a non-sexual way, and so they flirt with almost every man they encounter. Beth could be one of those women, and as her friend you would know if this behavior is indiscriminate. But even if it is, she clearly does not have boundaries and so you cannot trust her. Even if there is no way in a million years your boyfriend would ever betray you, I don't think that is the point. Would you allow a compulsive thief unfettered access to your bank account just because you happened to be broke?

So to answer your second question, no - I do not think that Beth is clueless as to what's appropriate. I also happen to think she's testing you. The little remarks, flirting with him in front of you- all sly ways of acting innocent- and thereby putting you in a near impossible position. After all - she's your friend and if she's saying these things right to your face, of course they mean nothing - right?? Wrong! Even if you weren't actually friends with Beth and she was just your boyfriend's co-worker, it would still be WACK of her to behave that way and would you question yourself then? As I've already said, I don't think cluelessness is an excuse. As for what you should do, there are a few things that come to mind. After telling Beth to suck it, the first is to talk to your boyfriend again. I don't know how many of Beth's comments you have shared with him, but I get the impression you've been worried about appearing irrational and so my guess is not many. So he might really not know the extent of her intentions. I am also going to assume your boyfriend hasn't done anything in particular to encourage her attentions (except not actively discouraging them). Men like flattery, so even if he does suspect she has a crush on him, he could just enjoy the attention and think it's harmless. You know your boyfriend and I don't, so I leave it to you decide the likelihood of this scenario.

Now I know I started this all by saying to cut Beth off. Of course it's your decision as to whether you feel comfortable continuing to be friends with her. You could ask her point blank if she has a crush on Ben. You could wait until she makes another inappropriate remark or Facebook post, or you could bring it up the next time you talk to her. And you could follow it up by explaining yourself to her, etc. I imagine she would feign innocence and maybe she would change her behavior. But would that make you feel better? Which goes back to my original advice to talk to your boyfriend. That is the relationship that matters the most here, and that's the one you want to focus on. The Beths of the world may come and go, but he's the one you're committed to. So talk to him, openly and honestly and trust yourself and your instincts - you're not a crazy person. I don't know the nature of whatever trust issues have come up in the past, but I'm sure he does. And if he's really listening, and really values your relationship, he will hear you.

As for your "trust issues" - when you find yourself flying off the handle because your boyfriend says "thanks" to the cashier when buying his coffee, then possibly you might be reading too much into the situation. But Beth - that chick gives women a bad name. Your mistake is not trusting yourself. Fast forward a year, two years into the future. If you and your boyfriend are still together, do you still want to have Beth in your lives, passive-aggressively keeping you off balance?

Hope, this is a really sucky situation. I feel for you, but I also know you can get through it. Best of luck and let me know how it goes!