An addendum: It should be noted that I have never, ever cheated on any boyfriend I've had in the past, nor do I foresee doing so with this one. But I admittedly have ended relationships under false pretenses, because I felt smothered and limited.
A: It definitely sounds like the time has come for the dreaded D.T.R. (Defining the Relationship). One month is certainly enough time, especially since he’s communicated his desire to be exclusive. If you continue to date him you are implying that you are in agreement. While you’re not forming any legally binding contract, you are forming a moral one. But it sounds like you are definitely committed to doing the right thing. In my humble opinion, the right thing is to tell your guy (can I call him Pete? I like to give everyone a name) – tell Pete exactly what you’ve told me. You care about him, you can definitely see a future with him, but you want to make sure you guys are on the same page about what that future holds. Of course you have to be prepared for the possible outcome. The definition of committed relationship is different for everyone. Maybe he’ll be in total agreement with you, maybe he’ll begrudgingly accept it, maybe he’ll flat out reject it. If Pete knows that he could never ever feel comfortable sharing you with another man, then better you both know that now than down the road when you’ve both become even more invested in each other and hurt feelings are the inevitable result. The window for objectivity on these matters is closing, so act fast!
I want to add that I think your insight about your past relationships is really key (and good for you for being able to learn from those past actions) and if you are having any hesitation about having the D.T.R., remember you want to do better this time and not re-Pete the same pattern. (It was a bad pun, I know. But it was too easy to resist it!) For his sake and for yours. Let me know how it goes, I’m pulling for you guys!
3 comments:
A couple things about this letter:
1. She knows she's seeing a great guy.
2. She has anxiety about being in a committed relationship.
3. She thinks the solution to dealing with anxiety is to have an open relationship.
4. She understands communication is important.
5. She understands that she also needs to feel independent in a relationship.
My question is why can't she communicate her fears and anxiety to her guy? Communicating what she needs out of *any* relationship, not just romantic ones is something that she's going to have to learn to do because her guy isn't a mind reader. It's normal to have fears about commitment, it's being able to balance the benefits of commitment (stability, companionship, etc) with the negatives (loss of some independence, fear of commitment, etc). Check out this article, http://www.enotalone.com/article/20442.html
If you don't read the article, consider taking this approach -- "Commitment doesn't mean forever, it means trying one day at a time." Take the relationship one day at a time and build up your "commitment muscle". You can commit to one day and do that for awhile, then you may find that you can commit to one week at a time, and so on. If anytime you feel the dreaded "forever" just remind yourself to take it one day at a time. Also this mean that if the relationship doesn't work out then it doesn't work out and you're not trapped in it forever.
As to having an open relationship. From what I've seen, they pretty much always fail. Sharing with another person is hard enough, sharing with two people only makes it harder. The only time I've seen it work is when the couple is *already* committed to each other. One partner has a need the other can't or won't fulfill and they agree together that the solution for them is to have an open relationship. This also means that staying together is more important than the problems that come up with introducing a third person into the relationship.
TN,
First off, thank you for your thoughtful comment. Have I mentioned how much I love comments? They make my day!!
I'm going to give the author of the letter an opportunity to address your advice if he chooses to do so. But I did want to point out that the author is a he, not a she. Since men are from Mars, I don't know if this changes your view.
I decided it wasn't necessary to specify that it was written by a man, but I can see how that gives the scenario more context. Most men are famously able to divorce sex from emotion - I can attest to this firsthand! Which is not to say that there aren't women who hold similar views. I know a few myself who aren't sold on the whole idea of two people alone for the rest of their lives. I am sold on the idea, but I can respect that total monogamy isn't for everyone.
Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was a man or a woman so I took a guess. Unfortunately English doesn't have a gender neutral third person pronoun.
I don't think being a guy really changes anything. You still have to figure out what you need and what you want and how to communicate that to your partner.
And maybe for him, right now being in a committed, exclusive relationship isn't what he wants or needs right now.
Just remember --"You always get what you want, so focus on what you need."
(That's enough out of me for now! I hope I don't sound preachy or judgmental, I don't have all the answers to these questions, but I am trying to figure them out)
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