Not long ago, I had a discussion with a man who is in a long term relationship. Let’s call him Ben. Ben explained that his boyfriend, with whom he lives and is fully committed to, would occasionally sleep with other people. Ben told me that he was fine with this arrangement, because he would “rather have 50% of him than 100% of someone else.” My empowered single woman, self-help, you-go-girl, meditate- and-he- will-come jaw dropped. After all, wasn’t he straightforwardly (even cheerfully, actually) admitting that he was settling and he was proud to do so?
I’m in my mid-30s. I am technically single. Meaning, I’m actually single, but, I have had a romantic involvement for the past few months that has effectively taken me off the market. That’s just the kind of gal I am – I have a one-track, one-man mind about these matters. My paramour – let’s call him Larry- Larry likes me. I know from guys who just aren’t that into me, and trust me, Larry likes me a lot. We have a good time together, are very compatible in all arenas, and just plain enjoy each other’s company. He goes out of his way to spend as much time with me as possible, and he even walks my dog. Sounds great, right? Well, I am technically single because Larry doesn’t want to commit to me.
When we first started seeing each other, he was seeing two other women, whom I like to call his “flooze”. He has since dumped his flooze, because as he put it, “I know who I enjoy being with so it makes them seem not so interesting.” (It was in an email, so that really is a direct quote) So, for now it’s just me and Larry. But Larry wants to keep his options open. As the kids say, WTF? What percentage of Larry do I have? What percentage of Larry do I need to be happy?
I am uncomfortable with this idea of settling. And at least partly, it’s because of my pride. I say I want 100%, you say take 75% or leave it, and I say OK? It’s like getting ripped off at the car dealership. Will I remember, every time I drive that car, that I got taken? Or perhaps I’ll just love the way it handles, the good mileage it gets (OK, the blaring sexual innuendo is truly unintentional – too late to choose a new analogy) – the point being, I’ll just enjoy the car.
Recently, someone who knows both me and Larry observed, “I think that [Larry] tries to please you, and really – what more can you ask for?” I know that in every other regard, he does. Do I average out the percentages? 100% in our interpersonal interactions and 50% in our commitment level? And what if he never takes advantage of his open option to date someone else? Does that mean he’s giving me 100% despite his intention to the contrary? Is there such a thing as 100%, no matter if you do have an “exclusive commitment” label?
Perhaps the bigger question is: what percentage am I ready to give? Because this relationship thing, it's scary. At 100% I might just chicken out.
2 comments:
Hmmm. I think that being with someone who cannot commit is a good way of learning that you may not be ready to commit, either...Franny, I don't like the idea of you waiting for the floor to drop out of the relationship! Be with someone who can say "100%!!" Even if it eventually ends, I believe in giving it your best shot from the beginning. 100%!
zola262, I do appreciate your concern. And I agree that maybe I'm not ready to commit 100% either, so that's why for now this might be a good warm up for us both. ;)
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