Brian's Love Problems: SOLVED!

Q: First, how does one go about telling someone you're with that they need to change something about themselves physically. Particularly, I was dating a girl a while back and she was really pretty awesome, but she had bad breath, even after brushing her teeth. It killed it. I wanted to tell her to talk to her dentist, but I thought she would break down and cry or something.

A: That sucks. It sucks that she has some chronic halitosis issues, it sucks that it killed your budding romance, and it sucks that she is still chasing men off with her dragon breath completely unawares! The bottom line is, in these situations we have to ask ourselves: would I want to know? And while it would be horrifying to hear anyone, much less a guy I was attracted to tell me such a thing, I would be more horrified when I eventually found out and start replaying in mind everyone I came within (fire) spitting distance of, without knowing how offensive I was!

It so happens that I had a temporary b.o. issue due to a confluence of inadequate natural deodorant and a day where I was overdressed and as a result, sweated more than usual while wearing a wool sweater. When I took off the sweater, my beau (the Larry of my previous post )asked me if I wanted some deodorant. I said no, and he said “are you sure?” and let me tell you, I am a clean and generally good smelling person who myself has a low tolerance for bad smells, so I was mortified. But at least I realized that I had to ditch the Tom’s of Maine, and I did, that very day. I’ve been smelling like a rose- actually, better than a rose- ever since.

My point being, if you really ended it with her because of her funky breath, you would have had nothing to lose by pointing it out to her. And quite seriously, chronic bad breath can be a sign of a larger health issue (I read that in The New York Times!) Of course, you would want to break this to her in as sensitive a way as possible. Maybe start by offering her gum, mints – if that doesn’t help, or she refuses, you could have asked her what she had eaten (even if you well knew she hadn’t eaten a thing and had in fact, just brushed her teeth). When she responded with “Why? Does my breath smell?” You tell her the truth. And then the next time you see her you gently point out that it still smells. Yes, she may have cried, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Q: Second, I was dating a girl for a while, and then we broke up about 2 months ago. I want to get back together with her, but when I contacted her she was still very angry with me. So, in my mind I say that I'll re-approach her in 6-7 months when I'm back in America. What is the best advice for how to get back together with an ex?

A: Well, this is a tough one. First, you have to accept that there may not be any going back. Sorry to say it, but it’s true. There have been guys I have been crazy about, and would have done anything to be with, but once I’ve crossed that line of getting over them, it’s a wrap, end of discussion. Having said that, my general life’s philosophy is that a steady drip can bore a hole through a rock. So, bearing in mind that I have obsessive/stalkerish tendencies (almost 100% of the cyber-stalking variety, no restraining orders against me or anything!) so you should consider the source in taking this piece of advice – keep trying.

Now, you should keep trying in a specific way. I don’t know why you broke up, but since she is angry with you and seem not be angry with her, I’m going to assume you fucked up. So, first things first, make sure you apologize. Sometimes women wish for nothing more than an apology – if we get that, we can move past the hurt/anger, but the longer we go without one, the more resentful we feel. Second, make sure you know what you’re apologizing for. Apologize first – be contrite and convey to her that if you’ve done something to make her unhappy, you want to do what you can to make it up to her. But also don’t assume that you know exactly what you’ve done wrong. It is shocking to me how often men are blind to their offensive behavior. So find out, if for no reason other than to make sure you don’t do it again.

Third, give her time and space. Now, this one is tricky. If you give her too much time and space, she might think you’re not serious. I wouldn't wait 6-7 months if I really wanted someone back - she could be head over heels for someone else by then. But no one wants to feel smothered and harassed either, so you’re going to have to fine tune your Spidey Sense for this one. You know her, so you be the judge of how much is too much. But here’s a tip – if you call/email/text her and she ignores you, this is not a good sign. Plus, too much groveling is not attractive. You have to maintain your dignity if you ever want to have sex with her again. However, if you reach out and she engages you and wants to rehash all the reasons why she’s angry with you or reiterate her anger towards you, you might have a chance. If she was really over and done with you, she wouldn’t be bothered.

Lastly, have faith. Sometimes it’s hard to let someone go, especially since in hindsight it’s very easy to idealize/romanticize that person and your relationship with them. But know that if you and she are really connected and meant to be, you will get back together. And that might not happen right now or in the way you want it to, but have faith that it will happen if it’s the right thing for you both. And it’s very possible that the lessons that you’ve learned from this relationship are the keys to success in your next one.

SO, to recap: Be prepared to accept that it might not happen for you two right now or at all, but don’t give up until you’ve given it a few good, sincere and dignified college tries. And be careful – that restraining order will stay on your record forever.