You, Me and Maybe Someone Else on Occasion

Q: I have been seeing a great guy for about a month, and it's getting somewhat serious. I wonder if I have the mindset to enter into a long-term monogamous relationship with anyone, and while I could see us living together and being "partners" down the road, I don't want to rule out some sort of open relationship. I am confident that I could be A-OK with him seeing other people as long as certain rules (only fooling around with a third person together; not bringing anyone home if we live together; don't ask/don't tell, etc.), as long as the rules are communicated and agreed upon upfront. In other words, communication is key, lying and cheating is not cool. So here's my question: at what point should I feel him out about this, since he has already said he wants to be exclusive and while I haven't I don't want to lead him on or make him feel used if it's a dealbreaker for him.

An addendum: It should be noted that I have never, ever cheated on any boyfriend I've had in the past, nor do I foresee doing so with this one. But I admittedly have ended relationships under false pretenses, because I felt smothered and limited.

A: It definitely sounds like the time has come for the dreaded D.T.R. (Defining the Relationship). One month is certainly enough time, especially since he’s communicated his desire to be exclusive. If you continue to date him you are implying that you are in agreement. While you’re not forming any legally binding contract, you are forming a moral one. But it sounds like you are definitely committed to doing the right thing. In my humble opinion, the right thing is to tell your guy (can I call him Pete? I like to give everyone a name) – tell Pete exactly what you’ve told me. You care about him, you can definitely see a future with him, but you want to make sure you guys are on the same page about what that future holds. Of course you have to be prepared for the possible outcome. The definition of committed relationship is different for everyone. Maybe he’ll be in total agreement with you, maybe he’ll begrudgingly accept it, maybe he’ll flat out reject it. If Pete knows that he could never ever feel comfortable sharing you with another man, then better you both know that now than down the road when you’ve both become even more invested in each other and hurt feelings are the inevitable result. The window for objectivity on these matters is closing, so act fast!

I want to add that I think your insight about your past relationships is really key (and good for you for being able to learn from those past actions) and if you are having any hesitation about having the D.T.R., remember you want to do better this time and not re-Pete the same pattern. (It was a bad pun, I know. But it was too easy to resist it!) For his sake and for yours. Let me know how it goes, I’m pulling for you guys!

Single in Frisco (For now!)

Q: Where have all the good men gone? Are they all married or gay?
What happened to the days of yonder when men opened doors for ladies,
paid on a dates, and genuinely made an effort?
Where do nice girls meet nice boys in their mid to late 30s?
How do you get your flirt on? Pick up a guy in the market or at the gym?

So many questions..... so few answers.

-Single in Frisco

A: Dear Single in Frisco,
I so feel your pain. I know how impossible it can feel to get unsingle when you want to. Sometimes it feels like a miracle that two people can truly connect. Coco wrote to me with similar questions some months back. You can read that post here. As a post script, she’s now happily – actually ecstatically one month into a relationship with a man she met on a train platform. He takes her out to dinner and calls when he says he’s going to and all that good stuff! So there is hope out there!

I am probably going to sound like a broken record here, but I do wholeheartedly believe that it is important to have faith that good men are out there. We know that they are – think of the ones that you know. Yes, they might not be romantic options for you but they show us they do exist. I also think it’s really important to remember that your partner might not come to you in the package or in the way you expect. Many great relationships have had completely inauspicious beginnings. And plenty of people have fallen in love with those who aren’t their “type”. Maybe he’s older than you think he is, maybe he’s divorced, maybe he’s younger, maybe he’s bald! Who cares if you’re happy with him?

My more practical advice is this:

1. Put the word out. I personally have never had anyone set me up (and I’m slightly offended about that, but I digress) but if I were looking I would be happy to be set up. I’m always on the lookout for my single friends. Put your friends to work!

2. Go on the prowl. I mean it. You don’t necessarily have to go bar-hopping to be on the prowl. You can be on the prowl during your morning commute, at the grocery store and at the gym. Stay vigilant! And don’t be afraid to make the first move. Eligible men are (obviously) not growing on trees, so don’t waste an opportunity when you find one!

3. Try something new. I don’t necessarily mean a new activity (though that couldn’t hurt), but I mean a new way to meet people. Yes, I do recommend the dreaded internets. There are a million dating sites for a reason, and check them out until you find one for you. There are real, live people on the other side of those profiles and even if 99% of them are wack, remember: it only takes one.

As for the opening doors and paying for dates, I promise you there are ones who still do that, too. And if you find someone you like who drops the ball on the chivalry aspect, I recommended doing an “appraisal” and deciding if its worth your time and energy to teach him some etiquette. He might not come completely up to par, but if he's a good person and otherwise worthy of your time and attention, you might want to invest in him anyway.

My last piece of advice is this: don't glorify the past. It's very tempting for us 30somethings, 40somethings and whatnot to think back to the days when it seemed like meeting people of the opposite sex was as easy as walking down the street. We're probably a little bit right and a little bit wrong about how easy it was. In any event, that was then and this is now. Besides, most of those guys weren't so great! Onward and upward...

Good luck and make sure you let me know about that hot, chivalrous guy you meet at the grocery store next week!

Enough about me. How about you? What do you think of my advice?

Lately I've been way too self-involved.  I am actually bored of me at this point.  I would like to take a break from blogging about me and Ricky.  Everything is fine, in case you were wondering.  Great, actually.  No complaints! (At the moment.) So, blah blah. New topic: YOU!

Do you need some advice? Are you bored at work? Killing time in airport and want an uninformed opinion about some aspect of your love life?  Just feel like humoring me?  Ask a question! Anonymity guaranteed.  Email me @ askyofranny@gmail.com or post a comment here. Thank you in advance!

Also, thank you very much for your comments.  Comments make my day! As do people following the blog. :)  You guys rock.