The Real Ricky, My Ricky and Our March Madness

The real Rick Jackson let me down recently - way to blow our championship hopes on your Sweet Sixteen loss to sucky Butler, Orange! But my Ricky, formerly known as Larry, is still on the road to the championship. Yes, amazingly, Ricky and I are still going strong. I say amazingly because we are still on the bumpy road. Don't tell Ricky I said this, but other than a March Madness-related incident last week, it's been largely my fault. A lot has changed recently. I had a new job opportunity come up rather quickly in a new city and I took it. I didn't, in my heart of hearts, want to take it, but it was such a better job than the one Ricky and I had, I felt that I had to.

As soon as I accepted, I went into a minor depression. And my poor Ricky, he was supportive and encouraging of my leaving. He tried his best to get me excited about this new opportunity. I suppose what I really wanted was to him to say "Don't go!" but he didn't. He did tell me he didn't feel ready for me to leave, but he also said he was happy for me and he thought it was the right decision.

The job is in Washington DC, and I've been living in New York. It is initially only a three month contract, so the move might only be temporary. I made the decision to go before discussing our future with Ricky. That was my decision, and I promptly proceeded to punish him for it with excessive moodiness. But once Ricky and I talked about our mutual desire to stay together, our commitment to visiting each other and to continue to date exclusively, I cheered up a bit. He even came down to DC with me to look for apartments, and we had a great time on our first out of town trip together.

Even knowing our good intentions to stay together, my lingering uncertainty combined with the stress of the impending move caused me to break down and cry in front of him for the first time. I so wasn't ready to be that woman, but Ricky held me and wiped my tears and kissed my face and I couldn't help but think that he really is a keeper and we really are going to make it.

That happy, warm feeling quickly turned to a kind of panic. Am I going to marry Ricky? Mind you, he hasn't come close to asking, but still! I'm no spring chicken. I can't just be dating someone indefinitely with no thought of the future! He doesn't like vegetables. Can I really marry someone who doesn't like vegetables? Sometimes he drinks too much. Can I really marry someone who drinks too much? He refuses to floss regularly. Can I really marry someone who's probably going to lose all his teeth in 25 years? He's only about half an inch taller than me. Can I really marry someone I'm going to tower over in heels?

But then the other day I had a thought. Ricky made me a care package for my trip down to DC with all of my favorite snacks. He also gave me a card in which he wrote that after his initial resistance, I had become the most important person in his life. It was so sweet and I couldn't help but feel really, really lucky to have him. And for some reason I thought about arranged marriages. I realized that if my family had arranged a marriage between me and Ricky, and I didn't have a choice in the matter, how lucky I would feel. It would be the arranged marriage jackpot! I think I would live the rest of my life happy with Ricky, knowing how easy it would have been to end up with someone who made me miserable, instead of giving me chocolate/hummus/pita chip/Diet Pepsi care packages.

Well, I'm certainly not advocating arranged marriage. And we modern women, our expectations are so high, the billionaire-male model- star athlete-poet hybrid would have a hard time passing muster. When I let go of the fantasy of the always sensitive, never-in-a-million-years-put-a-basketball-game-before-spending-time-with-me-and-do-everything-I-want him-to-all-the-time man aside, Ricky is pretty special. But don't tell him I said so. I'm still trying to get him to eat more vegetables before I make up my mind about our future.

On Scheming Women...

The Love Fauxpert got a long question this time, so here's a summary of the issue:
1. Ben and Hope are in a long-term committed relationship.
2. Ben had a co-worker, Beth - who raised some jealous feelings in Hope due to Ben's ravings about Beth.
3. After a year, Hope winds up meeting Beth, discovers Beth has her own boyfriend (they go on a double date), and that she is generally awesome.
4. Ben leaves the company and Hope and Beth become friends, particularly after Beth breaks up with her boyfriend and wants to spend more time with her girlfriends.
5. As Hope and Beth become closer, Hope notices that Beth is uncomfortably flirty with Ben. WTF?
6. Ben mentions there is a opening at his company, and Beth asks to go to brunch with him, alone, to discuss it.
7. Now Hope has to admit to herself and Ben that something about his and Beth's relationship makes her uncomfortable. And she doesn't like the idea of them working together every day. But Hope does tell Ben she doesn't want him not to offer Beth the job on her account.
8. Ben is surprised and apologetic, but Hope still feels like he's humoring her and secretly thinks she's being crazy.
9. Beth gets offered the job, but to Hope's relief doesn't accept it for career reasons. In the meantime, Hope becomes increasingly disturbed by Beth's increasingly flirtatious and inappropriate behavior. For instance, Beth tells Hope that she feels like she's "broken up" with Ben by not accepting the job.
10. The icing on the cake has been Beth coming over to Hope's house, asking if Ben was around so she can tell him "he's still the love of her life." And on Ben's recent birthday, Beth wrote on his Facebook wall: "Happy Birthday handsome - You're the wind beneath my wings."
BONUS: Hope has confided to Beth that she has had trust issues with Ben in the past.

SO, Hope wants to know:

Q: "am I overreacting or is Beth totally clueless when it comes to what's appropriate? What I do now and how do I get over my trust issues?"

A: My oh my. I hardly know where to begin. Let me start by staying that you are not overreacting. Not at all. As a woman, this kind of behavior really offends me. I personally go out of my way to stay far, far into the friend zone when it comes to my girlfriends' partners. But I digress - let me cut to the chase - you need to cut that conniving such-and-such Beth off. And here's why. Beth is romantically interested in your boyfriend. Now, we can't help the way we feel, so I'm not going to fault her for that. Having a crush on your friend's boyfriend doesn't make you a bad friend. It's what you do about it that matters. And what I fault Beth for is her behavior. It is possible that she is not conscious of it. Unlikely as flying pigs, but possible. I have known some women who are almost completely incapable of relating to men in a non-sexual way, and so they flirt with almost every man they encounter. Beth could be one of those women, and as her friend you would know if this behavior is indiscriminate. But even if it is, she clearly does not have boundaries and so you cannot trust her. Even if there is no way in a million years your boyfriend would ever betray you, I don't think that is the point. Would you allow a compulsive thief unfettered access to your bank account just because you happened to be broke?

So to answer your second question, no - I do not think that Beth is clueless as to what's appropriate. I also happen to think she's testing you. The little remarks, flirting with him in front of you- all sly ways of acting innocent- and thereby putting you in a near impossible position. After all - she's your friend and if she's saying these things right to your face, of course they mean nothing - right?? Wrong! Even if you weren't actually friends with Beth and she was just your boyfriend's co-worker, it would still be WACK of her to behave that way and would you question yourself then? As I've already said, I don't think cluelessness is an excuse. As for what you should do, there are a few things that come to mind. After telling Beth to suck it, the first is to talk to your boyfriend again. I don't know how many of Beth's comments you have shared with him, but I get the impression you've been worried about appearing irrational and so my guess is not many. So he might really not know the extent of her intentions. I am also going to assume your boyfriend hasn't done anything in particular to encourage her attentions (except not actively discouraging them). Men like flattery, so even if he does suspect she has a crush on him, he could just enjoy the attention and think it's harmless. You know your boyfriend and I don't, so I leave it to you decide the likelihood of this scenario.

Now I know I started this all by saying to cut Beth off. Of course it's your decision as to whether you feel comfortable continuing to be friends with her. You could ask her point blank if she has a crush on Ben. You could wait until she makes another inappropriate remark or Facebook post, or you could bring it up the next time you talk to her. And you could follow it up by explaining yourself to her, etc. I imagine she would feign innocence and maybe she would change her behavior. But would that make you feel better? Which goes back to my original advice to talk to your boyfriend. That is the relationship that matters the most here, and that's the one you want to focus on. The Beths of the world may come and go, but he's the one you're committed to. So talk to him, openly and honestly and trust yourself and your instincts - you're not a crazy person. I don't know the nature of whatever trust issues have come up in the past, but I'm sure he does. And if he's really listening, and really values your relationship, he will hear you.

As for your "trust issues" - when you find yourself flying off the handle because your boyfriend says "thanks" to the cashier when buying his coffee, then possibly you might be reading too much into the situation. But Beth - that chick gives women a bad name. Your mistake is not trusting yourself. Fast forward a year, two years into the future. If you and your boyfriend are still together, do you still want to have Beth in your lives, passive-aggressively keeping you off balance?

Hope, this is a really sucky situation. I feel for you, but I also know you can get through it. Best of luck and let me know how it goes!

How Not To Be Loca

Q: Any advice YoFranny on how to get out of the "emotionally shutdown" funk when your significant other rubs you the wrong way? My boyfriend could say one small thing that upsets me and our entire evening will be ruined, cause i can't seem to snap out of my bad mood. I can't seem to control it!

A: Oh Dear Saaara, it is so unfortunate we can be such raving lunatics! I swear I can conduct myself like a rational grownup in every other situation, but when it comes to me and a boy at a sensitive moment... forget it! Just today I had cause to remind myself once again to take my own advice, which I now pass on to you. The first piece comes from something I once told Ricky when he was behaving particularly badly. He kept on saying "I'm sorry, but I'm just selfish sometimes." And I tried to explain to him that selfishness is not an incurable disease. He did have control over his behavior, whether or not he chose to exert that control. I say the same thing to you now: this emotional shutdown we experience is not incurable. But no one has the power to cure it but you.

I think that if you're honest with yourself, you have to admit (as I do) that sometimes when you're in a funk, you don't actually want to come out of it. Meaning, you might kinda sorta want to come out of it, but it's hard to do so you just kind of give up. Am I right? Lord knows I do. Sometimes I just allow myself to wallow. But we have to remember that it is not kind, mature or productive to torture the men in our lives in this way. So this leads me to my recommended course of action - Fake It 'Til You Make It! Take a deep breath, decide you are going to force yourself to act like a normal person and just do it. It also helps at times to acknowledge your shutdown to your boyfriend, rather than say nothing is wrong when clearly everything is!

Today I was hoping to see Ricky after I left work (he left before me today) but didn't communicate that plan in time and he went home when I thought he was still in the vicinity of our office. He texted me when he got home and I was instantly hurt and angry that he hadn't thought to ask me what time I was leaving, and to wait for me so he could see me before going home. I could feel the overblown response building, but I took a deep breath and forced myself to tell him that: a) I had hoped I would get to see him after work; and b) that I was taking it personally but I knew that was an irrational reaction to the situation. He told me not to take it personally, which wasn't a particularly helpful response, but I just made a choice to let it go. Something about articulating I was behaving irrationally forced me to not want him to see me continue to do so.

So, Saaara, I know you can do it. I know you can take hold of the funk and tame it! Next time you feel it coming on, just stop and make a different choice. I'm already planning how normally I am going to behave tomorrow when I see Ricky, because I know that after a little while I will actually feel normal. And after that, being normal can't be far behind. At least that's the plan!

What a Girl is to Do

Q: Ok, I admit it, I've had a checkered relationship past. Haven't we all? A little too open to some undeserving or not-so-interested guys (just not into me!), closed off to nice guys, blah blah blah.

I have been on a hiatus from the boys altogether for more than a year, and have basically been closed off to all possibilities (I needed a break!). I'm at a point now where I feel open to being in a relationship, but I don't know where to begin! Online dating has been recommended to me multiple times, but I'm not really comfortable with that idea (I don't even do online banking!)

What's a girl in her mid-30's to do? - Coco

A: Dear Coco, let me first point out a few really good things about being single: 1) you can remain morally superior when assessing your friends' relationships; 2) you don't have to shave, wax, etc unless you feel like it or are going to the beach; and 3) you can shamelessly flirt with whomever you want, guilt-free.

Now, if you're still determined to meet someone and give up all the good stuff listed above, I would say the first thing to do is change your attitude. Yes, the idea of meeting someone great can feel really daunting, particularly during long spells of not meeting anyone even possibly great. But we have to keep the faith. If you are as ready as you say you are for a relationship, you have to open yourself up.

I understand your reluctance to date online. There are many crazy people on the internet. There are many crazy people everywhere, however, and there is inevitable crazy person sifting that must happen in life. People who date online are still, above all, people. So you might want to consider opening yourself up to the possibility. (Oh, and you should do online banking for sure. So convenient!)

Having said that, of course there are a million ways/places to meet someone. The last 5 guys I've met that I've either liked/gone on dates with I met at: 1) a wedding; 2) the dog park; 3) on the subway; 4) in a bar (he was the bartender); and 5) at work. And if there is a common denominator to these varied meetings, it was a general relaxed and non-expectant attitude on my part.

I'm not saying "you'll find someone when you're not looking." I hate that expression because it's like saying "don't think about white elephants." It's useless. I always took that as meaning give up on finding love, and only then will you find it. I don't know about you, but I'm not a quitter. I was looking for love when I met those guys, but I wasn't necessarily looking in the moment I met them. I was just having a good time- with my dog at the dog park, with my friends at the wedding and in the bar. At work I was there to work, not find a boyfriend, and on the subway it was late and I was just trying to get home.

When my co-worker invited me out after work to watch a Yankee game, I said yes even though I wasn't romantically interested in him at the time (I soon came to be, and yes, the co-worker is Ricky). When I got on the subway train and noticed the cute guy noticing me, I headed in his direction and sat near him. Sure enough, he struck up a conversation, which I welcomed.

I say all of this to say, that there is of course no magic formula for meeting men. But you can live your life and do the things you and enjoy and just be open to the possibility that someone will be drawn to you simply because you are doing just that. Ricky once made a comment about a woman we work with "not looking single" which I thought was fascinating and I asked him what he meant. And he said she wasn't looking around while she was out, not making eye contact, and carrying herself in a general "unfriendly and can't be bothered" sort of way. I knew there was a lesson in there - and I think it's this. Don't look not single. Keep yourself open to the possibility that there could be someone around whose eye you've caught. There's no harm in smiling at that cute guy, and there's no guarantee that he's going to be where you expect him to be.

Good luck, Coco. And let me know how it goes!

The Long and Bumpy Road

It is possible that I am not emotionally equipped to be in a relationship. I seem to have entered a new phase of emotional self-awareness, and let me tell you - I am aware I am possibly a crazy person.

Ricky and I have had many bumps in the road. Upon entering our new phase of mutual non-relationship understanding, I expected it to be smooth sailing. Really. Yes, of course I should know better. As of yesterday, Ricky and I are on the outs. It isn't the first time this has happened and it probably won't be the last.

The last time we had a bump, it was caused by him saying something insensitive (about the hotness of his friend's roommate) while drunk and waking up the next morning with no recollection of having uttered the offensive statement. And when I get pissed, I get really pissed. So I was barely able to look at him, much less speak to him the next morning. After a little while of him clearly being baffled and me being too angry to enlighten him, he asks what the matter is. I tell him, and he is further baffled, commenting that she isn't even hot, (Oh - I didn't mention that he retracted the hot comment after saying it the night before - Irrelevant!) and he doesn't know why he would say that. Clearly unappeased by his apology, he puts his arms around me, looks me in the eye, and says "I'm going to have to start taking better care of this relationship, because it's really important to me."

And well, I didn't let on to him at that exact moment that he had made it all OK, but he had. And shortly thereafter I let him off the hook. And I told myself we'd reached a milestone - everything was going to be OK now. Really. Yes, of course I should have known better.

The next hiccup was caused by what I can only describe as my passive-aggressive tendencies. I was spending the night at Ricky's apartment after a lovely evening. I wake up in the middle of the night to discover that he is on the sofa in the living room watching college basketball. And this really bothers me, for reasons I can't even fully understand. I ask him why he's on the sofa, and he says it's because he can't sleep and he'll be back in bed in a little while. So I go back to bed and wake up at 7:30 the following (Saturday) morning to discover that he's still on the sofa, fast asleep, TV still on. And again, I am just really bothered by this. Why is he sleeping on a sofa when he can be sleeping with me?

I like to take action in these situations (well, really I like to sulk but he's sleeping so that would be ineffective), so after a moment of intense pondering, I decide what to do. I decide to leave. Never mind it's an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning or that I am painfully sleepy and all I really want to do is go back to bed. I take a shower, I get dressed, and as I am getting my stuff together to walk out the door, he wakes up. When he asks me why I'm leaving, I tell him: "What else am I supposed to do? I couldn't sleep either." This is basically a lie and fundamentally a passive-aggressive tactic to punish him for sleeping on the sofa. Worst part is, I know it and I am powerless to stop myself. Ugh. How embarrassing.

To Ricky's credit, he calmly asks me to stay and to give him a minute to wake up. So he gets up, takes a shower and makes himself some coffee, then makes me breakfast. And all the while I'm sitting on the sofa with a scarf around my neck and my arms folded, ready to hop up at any moment. After I eat, I force myself to soften. And he grabs me and makes me cuddle with him on the sofa, which he knows is one of my favorite things to do. And due to his concerted effort to make it better, I let go of my possibly irrational anger and definitely irrational response to that anger and all is well.

That is, until yesterday. There was what could have been an unremarkable incident involving a lottery ticket that we purchased together, but I was in not the best of moods (though not taking it out on him, for the record!) and he made a comment about me taking my bad mood and leaving him alone (I wasn't even taking it out him! I had simply commented on my bad mood), and this just really upset me. So I got mad at him and he either got mad at me in return or is giving me space to be mad or maybe he's got something else going on his head entirely. I have no idea. And unless and until he makes the effort to communicate with me, this could go on for awhile.

I'm not handling this in the best way, I know. And I hate to think of myself of someone who needs "handling", but I have to admit that I am. However, I know that my propensity to shut down when upset is not an incurable disease, rather a persistent condition. Isn't admitting that I have a problem the first step?

Coming Clean and Editor's Note

A friend of mine asked me what my love interest, "Larry" thought of my blog. When I told her he didn't know about it, I realized that was kind of odd. After all, we know virtually everything about each other's lives right now. I realized that if I found out he had been secretly blogging about me, I would secretly blog right back about how outrageous it was that he had kept this from me. So, since I value the honesty he has always shown me, I came clean about the blog. First, he was mortified. When I explained that I wasn't using his real name, he asked what his alias was. He was very unhappy with "Larry", so I told him he could choose his own alias. He chose Rick or Ricky, after Syracuse basketball player Rick Jackson, since he's a fan and because "no one is named Rick anymore."

So "Larry" will heretofore be known as Ricky. Sorry if this causes any confusion, but Ricky looks like he might be around for awhile and I figured this is the least I could do for him. He is, afterall, my pseudo-boyfriend.