Saturday, January 15, 2011

Friends Sans Benefits

I received a question from a man we will call Charlie about how to let down a female friend of his (we will call her Donna) who has romantic feelings for him that he does not share.  Some months ago, Donna wrote Charlie a soul-bearing email expressing her desire that they be more than friends.  A week later he responds, saying that he thinks they should wait and see how things unfold between them and that's all he can manage for the time being.  The friendship continues.  She gives him gifts and does things for him.  They do not see each other as they live in different cities.  He knows in his heart that he does not share her feelings and hopes that she has given up the ghost.  

After a recent conversation, Donna is moved to send Charlie an email which is too lengthy to reprint here but the title is: There's No Easy Way to Say It.  Oy.  If you're expecting the email to be cringe-worthy, you would be correct.  The bottom line of her email: I am angry that it took you so long to respond to my soul-bearing email, I am angry that we have not discussed it further beyond "wait and see", I am angry because I feel that you've rejected me, and all this anger is making it hard for me to want to be your friend, but I want to be your friend so we have to work to repair our friendship.  

Let me first say that this hits close to home because I have been Donna.  I've written a soul-bearing missive or two in my day.  That's why I cringed severely when reading Donna's email.  I get it, Donna.  And take it from me, this isn't going to end well.  

Now, on to Charlie.  I wish you could just like Donna.  That would make this all so much easier!  Does the world really need another disappointed woman???  But I suppose it's not your fault you don't feel that way for her.  The reasons don't matter much if that is your bottom line.  

If you care about Donna (which I imagine that you do) and you want to continue being friends with her (which I also imagine that you do), the first thing you have to do is: apologize.  Since you are a man, as a general rule of thumb when dealing with matters of the heart, this should be your first course of action.  And you do owe Donna an apology, starting with your behavior when she sent the original "will you be my boyfriend?" email.  I know it was uncomfortable for you.  I personally hate when people I have no romantic interest in like me, it stresses me out.  But discomfort aside, what you owed her was a swift acknowledgment (even if you didn't have time to fully answer immediately due to outside factors) and then an honest reply.  Yes, you were trying to let her down easy.  But let me tell you, us women can talk ourselves into anything!  You didn't say NO, and so that left the door open.  Time to close it. 

Ask yourself honestly Charlie, have you enjoyed Donna's attentions and affections?  Would she have been giving you gifts and making herself available to you if you had been honest with her from the beginning?  No matter what your answers are, you owe her another apology.  For being oblivious, or obtuse or insensitive or all of the above.  The bottom line is, Donna has obviously not taken the necessary steps to protect herself from heartbreak.  If she asked me, I would tell her to distance herself from you, not to send you another gift, issue a strict moratorium on soul-bearing emails, and to start dating other people because you and Charlie is never going to happen, and if by some miracle it does, he will never respect you.  

But Donna hasn't asked my advice, Charlie has.  So Charlie, do for Donna what she cannot do for herself.  You have to extinguish her hope.  With LOVE and KINDNESS, of course!  But not in a wishy-washy "maybe one day" way.  That's selfish and that may serve your ego but not your friend.  Nevermind that you might think she should have already gotten the picture (she should have, but that's easy for us to say when our feelings aren't involved).  You might lose her friendship, at least for awhile while she moves past her feelings.  But if you truly care about her, you will want her to be free to move on and engage in more productive romantic pursuits...  

A final word about the "friendship healing" Donna is seeking.  Donna, you're killing me, because you are reminding me of a mid-20s version of me, and that me is just beyond mortifying...  But I digress.  Donna is not really as concerned about your "friendship" as she pretends to be.  That's what she has to tell herself to rationalize re-opening the can of worms that you have been hoping had been long dead and buried.  Not that she doesn't care about it, she just cares more about the romantic relationship she wants to have with you.  But you care about the friendship, so you apologize.  In friendship, you tell her where she stands.  It's going to suck for her to hear it, but it's for the best.  What she does with that information is up to her.  Good luck!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Carrie Bradshaw Never Had These Problems...


I'm adding Carrie to my list of fictional characters whom I blame for some behavior/viewpoint/attitude that has had some unfortunate consequence in my love life.  It's an illustrious list that includes Miss Elizabeth Bennett, Miss Piggy and Sally Albright, to name a few. 

Carrie, no thank you for being a sex columnist.  You made a living writing about the intimate details of your love life with no consequences.  None of your boyfriends seemed to mind this in the least.  No one used the details of your escapades against you, no crazy girlfriends of ex-boyfriends used your column to stalk you.  Pffft!  Thanks for that slice of unreality!

Is writing about myself cathartic?  Yes.  Is it without real world consequences? Hell to the NO.  I say this to say that I need you, dear reader, to give me something to write about that doesn't involve me.  Besides, I suspect I'm not nearly as interesting to you as I am to me.  So - got anything for me??

Friday, December 31, 2010

Hasta La Vista, Baby!

What was up with 2010? So many people really seemed to go through it this year.  On this final day, I'm feeling especially optimistic.  2010 has been... interesting.  Even in my current happy state I am glad to be done with it.  The high road I've been traversing the past few months suddenly has a spectacular view!  I'm grateful to start 2011 way up here.  

I'm ringing in the New Year in the most perfect fashion, surrounded by some of the loveliest people I know (and I daresay, on the planet!).  I'm also grateful that Bono is on Twitter.  He sent me this gem today (yes, he sent it to me):

"Happy New Years!  Let the grief & wrongs of the past stay there & the hope for a better tomorrow remain fearless in you."

Word.  Sending LOVE to you all.  

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Crack is not wack!


Help me Dr. Love Fauxpert!  Where is the line between forcing yourself to be "open" and simply not feeling that "chemistry" (or crack, as i sometimes refer to it) with someone?  
- Crackless

Dear Crackless,

Oh, the crack.  The problematic, beautiful, intangible crack.  That business can get us into trouble, but we need it! Without it, we should just be friends.  As you are undoubtedly discovering, you can't force it.  You can force yourself to give someone a chance, if they are otherwise worthy of your time, but you can't force chemistry.  It's easy to think that I should like this person because he/she is smart or attractive or funny or smells good - but all those factors are irrelevant without that crack. 

Someone once told me that you can't ever really know for sure if you're attracted to someone until you kiss them. And like Helen Hunt posited in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", ask yourself: Would I puke if he kissed me?  If not, give it a chance! Otherwise, friends it is!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Plot. Scheme. Repeat.



Every night
I have the same dream
I'm hatching some plot
Scheming some scheme
Oh yeah...


- No Line on the Horizon, by U2


Finding someone new to crush on is so exciting to me.  I had forgotten just how exciting.  There's that sweet spot of time before you really know each other, when the possibility of what that person might be to you stretches your imagination to envision bliss.  I love a project, and a new man is a project.  Identifying the next new man, or at least a potential one, is half the fun, isn't it?  What will I do to catch his eye?  What will I do once I've caught it?  I'm a firm believer in letting the guy make the first move.  But of course I have to do my part by making myself...inviting.  Not always a simple task since I'm constantly told I'm "intimidating" (read: tall, not easily impressed, aloof at times, blah blah blah).

So today, I found someone hot and extremely promising.  In order to make myself "un-intimidating", I tossed off my bulky cardigan and scarf at record speed to reveal a lovely dress underneath, smiled and actually posed, all for this new man's benefit.  The good news is, he definitely noticed.  The project is underway!  This is very early stages, so early yet I'm not even giving him a name.  By the end of the week, I may have abandoned this particular project.  It's too soon to tell.  But in the meantime, this is fun and will definitely consume some of my time over the next couple of days.

I can be such a handful, I almost feel sorry for my new guy, whoever he may be.  I am great in many ways but I am also a pain in the butt.  But that's OK - even in my wildest fantasy that's the most I can dream him to be, too.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The High Road

I'll be brief: Ricky is no longer a topic of conversation on this blog. Hopefully this will result in one less reader. THE END.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Birthday Schmirthday.


Oh, I hate to be such a cliché.  But today is my birthday and I am feeling a bit bummed out.  I'm back in the same job I was in a year ago, and it's not the world's greatest job.  I was single on my birthday last year, but I had Ricky, my then work boyfriend, giving me lots of time and attention.  Now, I have no cute boys giving me time and attention and I'm still getting over the sting of being dumped.  Ricky brought me a cup of cappuccino from Starbucks as a birthday present (1. Don't forget - we still work together!  2.  I recently went to Italy and fell in love with cappuccino; and 3. Starbucks has terrible, terrible cappuccino.)  Serving the current function of "safe punching bag" in my life, I sent Ricky a text rant today that blamed him for everything from breaking up with me, to bringing me crappy cappuccino to my being another year older.  Older?  Yes.  More mature?  Possibly not so much. 


When I'm feeling down I try to be proactive, lest I wallow so long and so deep in self pity that I am unable to escape my own self-imposed misery.  So I typed out "Reasons to feel good I'm another year older." And then I sat and stared at the blank page.  Hmmm.  I started to type "I'm healthy and strong" but then I stopped myself.  That goes in the category of "Things to be grateful for."  And luckily, I don't have any trouble writing that list.  I have much to be grateful for, starting with the good fortune to be born when, where and to whom I was and ending with all the amazing people in my life today.  


Being happy about being older, about being squarely on the steady march to 40, 50 and beyond...  That's much more challenging.  Eventually I came up with 6 reasons, all of which, except the last, are admittedly lame.  I actually started with the ol' standby "wiser." (Is that just something we tell ourselves to ease the sting of aging?  Well, in my case the answer is a resounding YES!)  Out of desperation I put "At least I'm still pretty" as #5.  Really?  That's the best I could come up with?  Lame, and it has nothing to do with being a year older.  The 6th and best was "There are a lot of people who are happy I'm alive and kicking another year."


To those people, thank you.  Thank you for being you and loving me, warts, rants and all.  I suppose growing older isn't so bad so long as you have some wonderful people to do it with.  And I just thought of another reason - the excitement of looking forward to what the next year will bring.