I received a question from a man we will call Charlie about how to let down a female friend of his (we will call her Donna) who has romantic feelings for him that he does not share. Some months ago, Donna wrote Charlie a soul-bearing email expressing her desire that they be more than friends. A week later he responds, saying that he thinks they should wait and see how things unfold between them and that's all he can manage for the time being. The friendship continues. She gives him gifts and does things for him. They do not see each other as they live in different cities. He knows in his heart that he does not share her feelings and hopes that she has given up the ghost.
After a recent conversation, Donna is moved to send Charlie an email which is too lengthy to reprint here but the title is: There's No Easy Way to Say It. Oy. If you're expecting the email to be cringe-worthy, you would be correct. The bottom line of her email: I am angry that it took you so long to respond to my soul-bearing email, I am angry that we have not discussed it further beyond "wait and see", I am angry because I feel that you've rejected me, and all this anger is making it hard for me to want to be your friend, but I want to be your friend so we have to work to repair our friendship.
Let me first say that this hits close to home because I have been Donna. I've written a soul-bearing missive or two in my day. That's why I cringed severely when reading Donna's email. I get it, Donna. And take it from me, this isn't going to end well.
Now, on to Charlie. I wish you could just like Donna. That would make this all so much easier! Does the world really need another disappointed woman??? But I suppose it's not your fault you don't feel that way for her. The reasons don't matter much if that is your bottom line.
If you care about Donna (which I imagine that you do) and you want to continue being friends with her (which I also imagine that you do), the first thing you have to do is: apologize. Since you are a man, as a general rule of thumb when dealing with matters of the heart, this should be your first course of action. And you do owe Donna an apology, starting with your behavior when she sent the original "will you be my boyfriend?" email. I know it was uncomfortable for you. I personally hate when people I have no romantic interest in like me, it stresses me out. But discomfort aside, what you owed her was a swift acknowledgment (even if you didn't have time to fully answer immediately due to outside factors) and then an honest reply. Yes, you were trying to let her down easy. But let me tell you, us women can talk ourselves into anything! You didn't say NO, and so that left the door open. Time to close it.
Ask yourself honestly Charlie, have you enjoyed Donna's attentions and affections? Would she have been giving you gifts and making herself available to you if you had been honest with her from the beginning? No matter what your answers are, you owe her another apology. For being oblivious, or obtuse or insensitive or all of the above. The bottom line is, Donna has obviously not taken the necessary steps to protect herself from heartbreak. If she asked me, I would tell her to distance herself from you, not to send you another gift, issue a strict moratorium on soul-bearing emails, and to start dating other people because you and Charlie is never going to happen, and if by some miracle it does, he will never respect you.
But Donna hasn't asked my advice, Charlie has. So Charlie, do for Donna what she cannot do for herself. You have to extinguish her hope. With LOVE and KINDNESS, of course! But not in a wishy-washy "maybe one day" way. That's selfish and that may serve your ego but not your friend. Nevermind that you might think she should have already gotten the picture (she should have, but that's easy for us to say when our feelings aren't involved). You might lose her friendship, at least for awhile while she moves past her feelings. But if you truly care about her, you will want her to be free to move on and engage in more productive romantic pursuits...
A final word about the "friendship healing" Donna is seeking. Donna, you're killing me, because you are reminding me of a mid-20s version of me, and that me is just beyond mortifying... But I digress. Donna is not really as concerned about your "friendship" as she pretends to be. That's what she has to tell herself to rationalize re-opening the can of worms that you have been hoping had been long dead and buried. Not that she doesn't care about it, she just cares more about the romantic relationship she wants to have with you. But you care about the friendship, so you apologize. In friendship, you tell her where she stands. It's going to suck for her to hear it, but it's for the best. What she does with that information is up to her. Good luck!
