Yourbabenow's question (re: previous post) answered NOW.

Q: yourbabenow said...
So you are saying that the way to a man's heart is to have lots of good sex with him until it becomes habit-forming? But what about all those years when men and women didn't have sex before marriage? Women were still able to attract men without the sex, no? And don't some torrid sex affairs just kind of peter out, while others end up lasting? What makes some survive while others die on the vine?

I guess what concerns me is that, when you are giving this man all this good sex in the beginning, you are open and vulnerable and you still don't know how it's going to end up. Know what I mean?

A: First off, that "advice" was hypothetical - I based that off of Rina's general attitude and approach towards men. But anyone who goes by the name "Yourbabenow" surely knows the importance of being someone's babe, now. Of course being someone's babe above all elese with any Joe Schmoe is probably not going to get you far down the relationship road. But we can't ignore Rina's fictional advice to never underestimate just how important regularly receiving enthusiastic sex is for men. But of course men and women need more, and without more your torrid love affair will fade and disappear.

Luckily for me, in my particular situation Larry and I were friends before we were lovers and we had mutual respect and concern for each other going for us from the beginning. We already enjoyed each other's company and had an emotional attachment to each other. So the sex was the icing on the cake, but it is icing that I take very seriously.

So, Yourbabenow, if we were to go back 50, 80 or 100 years when pre-marital sex was less common in this country, we would: a) be old spinsters since we're not married by now; b)- forget about b. We'd be old spinsters and everyone would have given up on us. Maybe we'd use our lonely spinsterhood productively like Jane Austen. Or we'd have secret lovers like Elizabeth I. In any event, our societal attitude towards marriage back then was completely different - it wasn't about marrying your soulmate. There were more practical concerns at the forefront like having kids to plow the fields or take over the business, not to mention the spinsterhood avoidance.

But now we want it all. And men, they are constantly being told that women are here to give it all. And like kids in the proverbial candy store, many (NOT all) of them are easily distracted by the new sweet treat on the shelf. Sigh. So, Yourbabenow, stay babelicious. Just choose the "your" very carefully.

What Would Rina Do?

I know a woman who is by all accounts, fabulous. She is beautiful and glamorous, and above all smart and determined. To know her is to know that she is someone who gets what she wants out of life, one way or another. Her determination has led her to achieve many of her life's goals, including her recent bethrothal to a previously confirmed playboy bachelor. It wasn't easy for her to bring him around to proposing, and to be honest, I didn't think she would be able to do it. I knew he was crazy about her, but he was so resistant to letting go of his "freedom", I didn't think he'd ever get married to anyone. But not only did she succeed in her quest to marry this man, he's now married her with enthusiasm.

In pondering my own relationship situation, it leads me to wonder: what would Rina do?

As previously disclosed, I am an in a "relationship" with Larry, who is committed without being committed, with me while leaving the option of leaving me open. My guess is that if I were Rina, I would do the following: a) give it to him so good he can't imagine getting it anywhere else and b) let him know that if he doesn't give me what I want, he won't be getting it ever again.

While these two pieces of advice might seem at odds with each other, I imagine Rina would explain it somewhat like this: Men are simple, ego-driven and highly sexual animals. They want to feel like men, and they want to be satisfied sexually. If you can take care of these needs, he will be satisfied and grateful and will grow ever more attached to you. Once that attachment has grown to a critical point, that's when you let him know that all of the fabulousness that is you goes away without one of your fundamental needs being met: the need to feel secure in a committed, long-term relationship.

What's fascinating is that most women I know, when they heard about the Larry situation, have given me the opposite advice, ranging from "dump him" to "that's bullshit". It so happens that most of these women are single and would prefer not to be. I point this out not as a judgment, but as a statement of fact. Is there a certain pragmatism that comes as a result of having to compromise in a committed relationship? When I told my mother about Larry, she pretty much shrugged her shoulders and said "He's fighting it. He'll come around." For the record, I would be overjoyed to have the relationship that my parents had for almost 30 years. Which leads me to wonder if the unwillingness to compromise is the reason so many of my friends (and I) are single.

Maybe Rina is on to something. She may not have had the fairy tale love story, where her man has an instant epiphany that she is the only woman on the planet for him, and he drops to one knee and pleads (in a manly way) for her to honor him by spending the rest of her life with him. She had to twist his arm a bit. But in the end, she got exactly what she wanted, and he is happy to have given it to her. Which is not to say that the fairy tale doesn't exist. It's only to say maybe there's more than one way to happily ever after.

Brian's Love Problems: SOLVED!

Q: First, how does one go about telling someone you're with that they need to change something about themselves physically. Particularly, I was dating a girl a while back and she was really pretty awesome, but she had bad breath, even after brushing her teeth. It killed it. I wanted to tell her to talk to her dentist, but I thought she would break down and cry or something.

A: That sucks. It sucks that she has some chronic halitosis issues, it sucks that it killed your budding romance, and it sucks that she is still chasing men off with her dragon breath completely unawares! The bottom line is, in these situations we have to ask ourselves: would I want to know? And while it would be horrifying to hear anyone, much less a guy I was attracted to tell me such a thing, I would be more horrified when I eventually found out and start replaying in mind everyone I came within (fire) spitting distance of, without knowing how offensive I was!

It so happens that I had a temporary b.o. issue due to a confluence of inadequate natural deodorant and a day where I was overdressed and as a result, sweated more than usual while wearing a wool sweater. When I took off the sweater, my beau (the Larry of my previous post )asked me if I wanted some deodorant. I said no, and he said “are you sure?” and let me tell you, I am a clean and generally good smelling person who myself has a low tolerance for bad smells, so I was mortified. But at least I realized that I had to ditch the Tom’s of Maine, and I did, that very day. I’ve been smelling like a rose- actually, better than a rose- ever since.

My point being, if you really ended it with her because of her funky breath, you would have had nothing to lose by pointing it out to her. And quite seriously, chronic bad breath can be a sign of a larger health issue (I read that in The New York Times!) Of course, you would want to break this to her in as sensitive a way as possible. Maybe start by offering her gum, mints – if that doesn’t help, or she refuses, you could have asked her what she had eaten (even if you well knew she hadn’t eaten a thing and had in fact, just brushed her teeth). When she responded with “Why? Does my breath smell?” You tell her the truth. And then the next time you see her you gently point out that it still smells. Yes, she may have cried, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Q: Second, I was dating a girl for a while, and then we broke up about 2 months ago. I want to get back together with her, but when I contacted her she was still very angry with me. So, in my mind I say that I'll re-approach her in 6-7 months when I'm back in America. What is the best advice for how to get back together with an ex?

A: Well, this is a tough one. First, you have to accept that there may not be any going back. Sorry to say it, but it’s true. There have been guys I have been crazy about, and would have done anything to be with, but once I’ve crossed that line of getting over them, it’s a wrap, end of discussion. Having said that, my general life’s philosophy is that a steady drip can bore a hole through a rock. So, bearing in mind that I have obsessive/stalkerish tendencies (almost 100% of the cyber-stalking variety, no restraining orders against me or anything!) so you should consider the source in taking this piece of advice – keep trying.

Now, you should keep trying in a specific way. I don’t know why you broke up, but since she is angry with you and seem not be angry with her, I’m going to assume you fucked up. So, first things first, make sure you apologize. Sometimes women wish for nothing more than an apology – if we get that, we can move past the hurt/anger, but the longer we go without one, the more resentful we feel. Second, make sure you know what you’re apologizing for. Apologize first – be contrite and convey to her that if you’ve done something to make her unhappy, you want to do what you can to make it up to her. But also don’t assume that you know exactly what you’ve done wrong. It is shocking to me how often men are blind to their offensive behavior. So find out, if for no reason other than to make sure you don’t do it again.

Third, give her time and space. Now, this one is tricky. If you give her too much time and space, she might think you’re not serious. I wouldn't wait 6-7 months if I really wanted someone back - she could be head over heels for someone else by then. But no one wants to feel smothered and harassed either, so you’re going to have to fine tune your Spidey Sense for this one. You know her, so you be the judge of how much is too much. But here’s a tip – if you call/email/text her and she ignores you, this is not a good sign. Plus, too much groveling is not attractive. You have to maintain your dignity if you ever want to have sex with her again. However, if you reach out and she engages you and wants to rehash all the reasons why she’s angry with you or reiterate her anger towards you, you might have a chance. If she was really over and done with you, she wouldn’t be bothered.

Lastly, have faith. Sometimes it’s hard to let someone go, especially since in hindsight it’s very easy to idealize/romanticize that person and your relationship with them. But know that if you and she are really connected and meant to be, you will get back together. And that might not happen right now or in the way you want it to, but have faith that it will happen if it’s the right thing for you both. And it’s very possible that the lessons that you’ve learned from this relationship are the keys to success in your next one.

SO, to recap: Be prepared to accept that it might not happen for you two right now or at all, but don’t give up until you’ve given it a few good, sincere and dignified college tries. And be careful – that restraining order will stay on your record forever.

Running the Percentages

Not long ago, I had a discussion with a man who is in a long term relationship. Let’s call him Ben. Ben explained that his boyfriend, with whom he lives and is fully committed to, would occasionally sleep with other people. Ben told me that he was fine with this arrangement, because he would “rather have 50% of him than 100% of someone else.” My empowered single woman, self-help, you-go-girl, meditate- and-he- will-come jaw dropped. After all, wasn’t he straightforwardly (even cheerfully, actually) admitting that he was settling and he was proud to do so?

I’m in my mid-30s. I am technically single. Meaning, I’m actually single, but, I have had a romantic involvement for the past few months that has effectively taken me off the market. That’s just the kind of gal I am – I have a one-track, one-man mind about these matters. My paramour – let’s call him Larry- Larry likes me. I know from guys who just aren’t that into me, and trust me, Larry likes me a lot. We have a good time together, are very compatible in all arenas, and just plain enjoy each other’s company. He goes out of his way to spend as much time with me as possible, and he even walks my dog. Sounds great, right? Well, I am technically single because Larry doesn’t want to commit to me.

When we first started seeing each other, he was seeing two other women, whom I like to call his “flooze”. He has since dumped his flooze, because as he put it, “I know who I enjoy being with so it makes them seem not so interesting.” (It was in an email, so that really is a direct quote) So, for now it’s just me and Larry. But Larry wants to keep his options open. As the kids say, WTF? What percentage of Larry do I have? What percentage of Larry do I need to be happy?

I am uncomfortable with this idea of settling. And at least partly, it’s because of my pride. I say I want 100%, you say take 75% or leave it, and I say OK? It’s like getting ripped off at the car dealership. Will I remember, every time I drive that car, that I got taken? Or perhaps I’ll just love the way it handles, the good mileage it gets (OK, the blaring sexual innuendo is truly unintentional – too late to choose a new analogy) – the point being, I’ll just enjoy the car.

Recently, someone who knows both me and Larry observed, “I think that [Larry] tries to please you, and really – what more can you ask for?” I know that in every other regard, he does. Do I average out the percentages? 100% in our interpersonal interactions and 50% in our commitment level? And what if he never takes advantage of his open option to date someone else? Does that mean he’s giving me 100% despite his intention to the contrary? Is there such a thing as 100%, no matter if you do have an “exclusive commitment” label?

Perhaps the bigger question is: what percentage am I ready to give? Because this relationship thing, it's scary. At 100% I might just chicken out.