The Love Fauxpert

Men, Men Everywhere (Part Two)

2011-04-05T00:15:00.002-04:00

So, to answer the question posed by my west coast reader - I think it's easier to meet men on the west coast. BUT just as I wrote about Part One below, I think that's because of California Me. California Me is like Regular (a.k.a. East Coast) Me, only more open. When I lived in California, because it wasn't home, it wasn't familiar and it wasn't populated with all of my long-time friends and social circles, I didn't have a choice but to branch out. If I wanted a social life, I was going to have to create it, rather than rely on my usual circle of friends.

As a result, I went to all types of events, hung out in various parts of town and accepted invitations I would have declined back in New York. I wasn't always trying to meet men, but I did without much effort. Now, I'm not saying they were all Prince Charmings. Did I mention I'm not happily committed to an amazing man? Right. So take this (like all of my advice) with a grain of salt. The lesson here is that I was living the experiment I wrote about in Part One, without even trying.

All of this means that you, my west coast friend, might have an easier time on the east coast. But you also might want to try changing your approach right where you are. I know single women in New York who think it's nearly impossible to meet a man here, or at least one who actually wants to commit (it can feel that way sometimes). I know single women in D.C. who want to move because they think they will never get married if they stay there (I wasn't single when I lived there, so I wasn't attuned to the dating scene).

More and more I am coming to believe that love is not luck. It is in our power to find love if we are open to it in whatever form it might take. Blaming our current location might be convenient, it might even be supported by statistical evidence. But I know that whenever I have made a point to be more open to all the possibilities around me, they have presented themselves. Good luck!

Men, Men Everywhere (yes, even there!) Part One

2011-04-03T00:00:00.017-04:00

I received a question from a single woman in Los Angeles asking for my opinion, as someone who has lived on both coasts, where it is easiest to meet men. She's considering moving east and one reason is her desire to meet a man.

Lately I'm hearing a lot of women complaining about a dearth of men - in the city where they live, in the places where they work, where they hang out, etc. Before I get into the east coast vs. west coast debate, I thought I'd post a "vintage" yofranny post from a now-defunct blog I wrote in 2009. I think that it addresses the "man shortage" issue in general...

Like most women of my generation, I am a fan of the TV show Sex and the City. Much has been said of the unreality of the designer clothes and the amount of time these career women had to sit around and kvetch about their man woes. For me, the thing that struck me as most unrealistic about the show was how easily all of the characters met men.

Men are, of course, everywhere. They're on the subway, in the supermarket, at the movie theater, the gym, the dentist's office - everywhere. But are attractive, available men who want to date me everywhere? I have had my Sex and the City moments. I've gone out with men I've met at yoga, in line at the deli and sitting next to me at a restaurant. So I know it can happen, it just seems to happen so rarely.

I recognize the possibility that it's me. Not my physical attractiveness - that is what it is, and I'm going to be some men's cup of tea and not others. That I can live with. But perhaps it is my mindset - my expectation that men are not everywhere, even though they are plainly all around me. Maybe I just need to open my eyes and keep them aimed in the direction of the attractive/interesting guy browsing the dairy section and think to myself, "What would Carrie do?" Most likely, she would smile, look away coyly and then back again. I think I can manage that. We'll see how it goes.

Maybe all the single ladies out there should give that a try too!

The Neglectful Blogger

2011-03-27T22:23:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you've noticed my prolonged absence from the interwebs (actually, been yakking it up on Twitter - it's much less time-consuming!). I apologize, to you and to myself, because I actually do love to blog. My life has been unusually and unrelentingly hectic as of late. All is very well, no worries! But enough excuses!

I have a few long overdue advice requests. The first comes from Saara:

How do you deal when you can't stand your fiance's family?

Yikes. That can be a problem. I suppose it depends. Now when you say you can't stand them, what level of "can't stand" do you mean? Is it Amy Adams in "The Fighter" getting into a brawl with Mark Wahlberg's sisters after being called a skank? Because if it's that bad, I suggest moving to a different city, or perhaps a restraining order. If there is no actual flinging of slurs or press-on nails, consider yourself lucky! It could be worse.

Seriously, though - I do know that this can be a major problem. Since you are getting married (congratulations, by the way!) his family will soon be your family too. Which means that you are stuck with them and that there is a level of acceptance that you have to embrace for your own sanity. None of this is to say that you should put up with poor treatment or that you should have to spend every weekend at your in-laws. But if they treat you well (or at least as well as they treat each other) you know that their behavior isn't personal. Knowing that might be able to give you perspective to rise about whatever it is about them you find irritating. And if they don't treat you well, I think you are perfectly entitled to turn to your fiance for protection. After all, he's stuck with them too. But he chose you.

Good luck!

Friends Sans Benefits

2011-01-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

I received a question from a man we will call Charlie about how to let down a female friend of his (we will call her Donna) who has romantic feelings for him that he does not share. Some months ago, Donna wrote Charlie a soul-bearing email expressing her desire that they be more than friends. A week later he responds, saying that he thinks they should wait and see how things unfold between them and that's all he can manage for the time being. The friendship continues. She gives him gifts and does things for him. They do not see each other as they live in different cities. He knows in his heart that he does not share her feelings and hopes that she has given up the ghost.

After a recent conversation, Donna is moved to send Charlie an email which is too lengthy to reprint here but the title is: There's No Easy Way to Say It. Oy. If you're expecting the email to be cringe-worthy, you would be correct. The bottom line of her email: I am angry that it took you so long to respond to my soul-bearing email, I am angry that we have not discussed it further beyond "wait and see", I am angry because I feel that you've rejected me, and all this anger is making it hard for me to want to be your friend, but I want to be your friend so we have to work to repair our friendship.

Let me first say that this hits close to home because I have been Donna. I've written a soul-bearing missive or two in my day. That's why I cringed severely when reading Donna's email. I get it, Donna. And take it from me, this isn't going to end well.

Now, on to Charlie. I wish you could just like Donna. That would make this all so much easier! Does the world really need another disappointed woman??? But I suppose it's not your fault you don't feel that way for her. The reasons don't matter much if that is your bottom line.

If you care about Donna (which I imagine that you do) and you want to continue being friends with her (which I also imagine that you do), the first thing you have to do is: apologize. Since you are a man, as a general rule of thumb when dealing with matters of the heart, this should be your first course of action. And you do owe Donna an apology, starting with your behavior when she sent the original "will you be my boyfriend?" email. I know it was uncomfortable for you. I personally hate when people I have no romantic interest in like me, it stresses me out. But discomfort aside, what you owed her was a swift acknowledgment (even if you didn't have time to fully answer immediately due to outside factors) and then an honest reply. Yes, you were trying to let her down easy. But let me tell you, us women can talk ourselves into anything! You didn't say NO, and so that left the door open. Time to close it.

Ask yourself honestly Charlie, have you enjoyed Donna's attentions and affections? Would she have been giving you gifts and making herself available to you if you had been honest with her from the beginning? No matter what your answers are, you owe her another apology. For being oblivious, or obtuse or insensitive or all of the above. The bottom line is, Donna has obviously not taken the necessary steps to protect herself from heartbreak. If she asked me, I would tell her to distance herself from you, not to send you another gift, issue a strict moratorium on soul-bearing emails, and to start dating other people because you and Charlie is never going to happen, and if by some miracle it does, he will never respect you.

But Donna hasn't asked my advice, Charlie has. So Charlie, do for Donna what she cannot do for herself. You have to extinguish her hope. With LOVE and KINDNESS, of course! But not in a wishy-washy "maybe one day" way. That's selfish and that may serve your ego but not your friend. Nevermind that you might think she should have already gotten the picture (she should have, but that's easy for us to say when our feelings aren't involved). You might lose her friendship, at least for awhile while she moves past her feelings. But if you truly care about her, you will want her to be free to move on and engage in more productive romantic pursuits...

A final word about the "friendship healing" Donna is seeking. Donna, you're killing me, because you are reminding me of a mid-20s version of me, and that me is just beyond mortifying... But I digress. Donna is not really as concerned about your "friendship" as she pretends to be. That's what she has to tell herself to rationalize re-opening the can of worms that you have been hoping had been long dead and buried. Not that she doesn't care about it, she just cares more about the romantic relationship she wants to have with you. But you care about the friendship, so you apologize. In friendship, you tell her where she stands. It's going to suck for her to hear it, but it's for the best. What she does with that information is up to her. Good luck!

Carrie Bradshaw Never Had These Problems...

2011-01-05T21:02:00.001-05:00

I'm adding Carrie to my list of fictional characters whom I blame for some behavior/viewpoint/attitude that has had some unfortunate consequence in my love life. It's an illustrious list that includes Miss Elizabeth Bennett, Miss Piggy and Sally Albright, to name a few.

Carrie, no thank you for being a sex columnist. You made a living writing about the intimate details of your love life with no consequences. None of your boyfriends seemed to mind this in the least. No one used the details of your escapades against you, no crazy girlfriends of ex-boyfriends used your column to stalk you. Pffft! Thanks for that slice of unreality!

Is writing about myself cathartic? Yes. Is it without real world consequences? Hell to the NO. I say this to say that I need you, dear reader, to give me something to write about that doesn't involve me. Besides, I suspect I'm not nearly as interesting to you as I am to me. So - got anything for me??

Hasta La Vista, Baby!

2010-12-31T18:28:00.001-05:00

What was up with 2010? So many people really seemed to go through it this year. On this final day, I'm feeling especially optimistic. 2010 has been... interesting. Even in my current happy state I am glad to be done with it. The high road I've been traversing the past few months suddenly has a spectacular view! I'm grateful to start 2011 way up here.

I'm ringing in the New Year in the most perfect fashion, surrounded by some of the loveliest people I know (and I daresay, on the planet!). I'm also grateful that Bono is on Twitter. He sent me this gem today (yes, he sent it to me):

"Happy New Years! Let the grief & wrongs of the past stay there & the hope for a better tomorrow remain fearless in you."

Word. Sending LOVE to you all.

Crack is not wack!

2010-12-16T22:44:00.006-05:00

Help me Dr. Love Fauxpert! Where is the line between forcing yourself to be "open" and simply not feeling that "chemistry" (or crack, as i sometimes refer to it) with someone?

- Crackless

Dear Crackless,

Oh, the crack. The problematic, beautiful, intangible crack. That business can get us into trouble, but we need it! Without it, we should just be friends. As you are undoubtedly discovering, you can't force it. You can force yourself to give someone a chance, if they are otherwise worthy of your time, but you can't force chemistry. It's easy to think that I should like this person because he/she is smart or attractive or funny or smells good - but all those factors are irrelevant without that crack.

Someone once told me that you can't ever really know for sure if you're attracted to someone until you kiss them. And like Helen Hunt posited in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", ask yourself: Would I puke if he kissed me? If not, give it a chance! Otherwise, friends it is!!

Plot. Scheme. Repeat.

2010-11-17T22:58:00.001-05:00

Every night
I have the same dream
I'm hatching some plot
Scheming some scheme
Oh yeah...

- No Line on the Horizon, by U2

Finding someone new to crush on is so exciting to me. I had forgotten just how exciting. There's that sweet spot of time before you really know each other, when the possibility of what that person might be to you stretches your imagination to envision bliss. I love a project, and a new man is a project. Identifying the next new man, or at least a potential one, is half the fun, isn't it? What will I do to catch his eye? What will I do once I've caught it? I'm a firm believer in letting the guy make the first move. But of course I have to do my part by making myself...inviting. Not always a simple task since I'm constantly told I'm "intimidating" (read: tall, not easily impressed, aloof at times, blah blah blah).

So today, I found someone hot and extremely promising. In order to make myself "un-intimidating", I tossed off my bulky cardigan and scarf at record speed to reveal a lovely dress underneath, smiled and actually posed, all for this new man's benefit. The good news is, he definitely noticed. The project is underway! This is very early stages, so early yet I'm not even giving him a name. By the end of the week, I may have abandoned this particular project. It's too soon to tell. But in the meantime, this is fun and will definitely consume some of my time over the next couple of days.

I can be such a handful, I almost feel sorry for my new guy, whoever he may be. I am great in many ways but I am also a pain in the butt. But that's OK - even in my wildest fantasy that's the most I can dream him to be, too.

The High Road

2010-11-14T19:19:00.001-05:00

I'll be brief: Ricky is no longer a topic of conversation on this blog. Hopefully this will result in one less reader. THE END.

Birthday Schmirthday.

2010-11-03T22:52:00.001-04:00

Oh, I hate to be such a cliché. But today is my birthday and I am feeling a bit bummed out. I'm back in the same job I was in a year ago, and it's not the world's greatest job. I was single on my birthday last year, but I had Ricky, my then work boyfriend, giving me lots of time and attention. Now, I have no cute boys giving me time and attention and I'm still getting over the sting of being dumped. Ricky brought me a cup of cappuccino from Starbucks as a birthday present (1. Don't forget - we still work together! 2. I recently went to Italy and fell in love with cappuccino; and 3. Starbucks has terrible, terrible cappuccino.) Serving the current function of "safe punching bag" in my life, I sent Ricky a text rant today that blamed him for everything from breaking up with me, to bringing me crappy cappuccino to my being another year older. Older? Yes. More mature? Possibly not so much.

When I'm feeling down I try to be proactive, lest I wallow so long and so deep in self pity that I am unable to escape my own self-imposed misery. So I typed out "Reasons to feel good I'm another year older." And then I sat and stared at the blank page. Hmmm. I started to type "I'm healthy and strong" but then I stopped myself. That goes in the category of "Things to be grateful for." And luckily, I don't have any trouble writing that list. I have much to be grateful for, starting with the good fortune to be born when, where and to whom I was and ending with all the amazing people in my life today.

Being happy about being older, about being squarely on the steady march to 40, 50 and beyond... That's much more challenging. Eventually I came up with 6 reasons, all of which, except the last, are admittedly lame. I actually started with the ol' standby "wiser." (Is that just something we tell ourselves to ease the sting of aging? Well, in my case the answer is a resounding YES!) Out of desperation I put "At least I'm still pretty" as #5. Really? That's the best I could come up with? Lame, and it has nothing to do with being a year older. The 6th and best was "There are a lot of people who are happy I'm alive and kicking another year."

To those people, thank you. Thank you for being you and loving me, warts, rants and all. I suppose growing older isn't so bad so long as you have some wonderful people to do it with. And I just thought of another reason - the excitement of looking forward to what the next year will bring.

The End of the Road

2010-10-17T22:31:00.003-04:00

There are many difficult things about breaking up. For me, the worst is that sick, sinking feeling that I may never find anyone else I like ever again. Of course, I have had my share of heartbreaks and disappointments and sinking feelings and I have recovered every time. I have continued to meet someone new. And the old someone who was once everything is relegated to memory and lessons learned and fodder for another blog I contribute to (www.theblowoff.com). But that is logic. That’s my brain talking. My brain is pragmatic. The rest of me, not so much.

You have undoubtedly realized by now that Ricky and I are no more. Our breakup took a long time and was his decision. Oh yes, dear reader, I got dumped. Dumpy dumped dumped. Part one happened months ago, and we were recently reunited. Ricky, that poor confused soul, told me as recently as a week ago that he still had feelings for me and was open to us getting back together. Last week he spent two evenings manually laboring on my behalf – moving and assembling furniture and he bought me an ice cream cake and told me my butt looked good in a particular pair of pants and even kissed me. Part two happened last weekend. He made a definitive choice. He has met his someone new and now he wants to explore the possibilities with her. How did he put it? That it was “worth checking out.” Mind you, he’s known her for three weeks. Geez Louise. Men are too funny. Too ridiculous and too funny.

The icing on this particular break up cake (more like a steaming pile of poo than a cake, but you don’t normally put anything on top of poo – but this poo gets topped!) is that Ricky and I are back at our old job, working together once again. So I get to see him every day for the foreseeable future. Hooray! And by “hooray,” I mean “mother fuck.” The other day he was wearing a shirt that I gave him and I swear that should not be allowed. I am going to have to dig deep and go to a very zen place to endure this. I have no choice. I’m very much looking forward to my someone new.

Break Time

2010-08-07T23:12:00.000-04:00

I apologize in advance for the brief, cryptic post. For reasons I can't fully explain at present, Ricky and I are taking a "break." The breaking up has been awful, emotionally draining and pretty unexpected. Our breaking up was precipitated by a break I am personally taking, from my ordinary life. This is the part I will tell you about at a later date.

I'm going radio silent for awhile. All is well, so don't worry! Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Coupledom

2010-07-12T16:34:00.001-04:00

Ricky is a hand-holder. Literally. He says that he thinks it would be weird for us to walk down the street together and not hold hands. In fact, the only time we don’t hold hands on the street is when one of us (usually me) is mad at the other. I asked him recently if we held hands because it physically feels good or because it sends the message to the outside world that we are a couple. He pondered it for a moment and decided it was mostly for appearances. Maybe that should bother me but it doesn't. We have plenty affectionate moments when there's no one around to see. But the reality is, our relationship is not just about us, it’s about the people around us, too.

I have a close friend who has just celebrated her 4th wedding anniversary. Over the past five or six years in our group of friends, she has been one of the few in a long-term relationship. I’ve always teased her for her obvious yearning to have her closest friends find lasting partners as well. As much as I’ve always admired her relationship with her husband, I always felt a bit sorry for her, too. Being the last single gal might suck, but being the first married lady didn’t seem too fun either. Maybe it’s my age, or my sweet boyfriend or a combination of the two, but I now find myself with the same yearning. I love mine and Ricky’s romantic date nights, but I daydream of double dates. A friend of his dropped by our place with his new girlfriend a few weekends ago, and I was so excited that within 10 minutes I tried to get them to commit to going out with us the following weekend. Maybe I came on too strong, because when the next weekend came they were nowhere to be found.

Overall, my friends and I have been behind the “settling down” curve. So much so, that at one point I blamed my friends for my being single. My rationale being something about there not being any peer pressure or influence to make me more receptive to a relationship. Like it was some contagious condition. But for whatever reason, over the past year, the pairing up in my crowd has begun in earnest. Of the two single girlfriends of mine who I went out manhunting with the most a year and a half ago, one is now engaged and the other is living with her boyfriend with whom she is completely in love. Yet another friend has a relatively new but serious boyfriend who has already told her he wants to marry her. And I love that. I love that we can commiserate about commitment anxiety and bliss and make plans together as couples.

The flip side of that is the investment I feel in my friends’ decisions about who they date. I’ve always cared about wanting to like my friends’ boyfriends, but now it means more than ever. I suppose it’s because now folks are playing for keeps. Am I really going to have to deal with some blowhard at every social gathering for the foreseeable future because my friend thinks he’s The One? Will my friendships suffer because of our choices in long term partners? Maybe some of my friends secretly hate Ricky and hope that I find someone else. Now, I don’t mean to imply that Ricky and I are together forever. From time to time I ask him (for dramatic effect) “are we getting married??” to which he answers “I don’t know. Too soon to tell.” I agree. But sometimes when we’re out together and we see couples who are obviously on a first or early date, with the ensuing awkward conversation/interaction, I turn to Ricky and tell him that we can’t break up anytime soon. I don’t have the energy to be single right now. He assures me that we won't. So for the time being at least (and maybe longer – we have started making tentative plans for our future “just in case”) I’ll hold Ricky’s hand and plan a double date with a friend and her man.

How about you? How much do you think outside people or their wishes for you affect your relationship or lack of one?

You, Me and Maybe Someone Else on Occasion

2010-06-08T11:27:00.000-04:00

Q: I have been seeing a great guy for about a month, and it's getting somewhat serious. I wonder if I have the mindset to enter into a long-term monogamous relationship with anyone, and while I could see us living together and being "partners" down the road, I don't want to rule out some sort of open relationship. I am confident that I could be A-OK with him seeing other people as long as certain rules (only fooling around with a third person together; not bringing anyone home if we live together; don't ask/don't tell, etc.), as long as the rules are communicated and agreed upon upfront. In other words, communication is key, lying and cheating is not cool. So here's my question: at what point should I feel him out about this, since he has already said he wants to be exclusive and while I haven't I don't want to lead him on or make him feel used if it's a dealbreaker for him.

An addendum: It should be noted that I have never, ever cheated on any boyfriend I've had in the past, nor do I foresee doing so with this one. But I admittedly have ended relationships under false pretenses, because I felt smothered and limited.

A: It definitely sounds like the time has come for the dreaded D.T.R. (Defining the Relationship). One month is certainly enough time, especially since he’s communicated his desire to be exclusive. If you continue to date him you are implying that you are in agreement. While you’re not forming any legally binding contract, you are forming a moral one. But it sounds like you are definitely committed to doing the right thing. In my humble opinion, the right thing is to tell your guy (can I call him Pete? I like to give everyone a name) – tell Pete exactly what you’ve told me. You care about him, you can definitely see a future with him, but you want to make sure you guys are on the same page about what that future holds. Of course you have to be prepared for the possible outcome. The definition of committed relationship is different for everyone. Maybe he’ll be in total agreement with you, maybe he’ll begrudgingly accept it, maybe he’ll flat out reject it. If Pete knows that he could never ever feel comfortable sharing you with another man, then better you both know that now than down the road when you’ve both become even more invested in each other and hurt feelings are the inevitable result. The window for objectivity on these matters is closing, so act fast!

I want to add that I think your insight about your past relationships is really key (and good for you for being able to learn from those past actions) and if you are having any hesitation about having the D.T.R., remember you want to do better this time and not re-Pete the same pattern. (It was a bad pun, I know. But it was too easy to resist it!) For his sake and for yours. Let me know how it goes, I’m pulling for you guys!

Single in Frisco (For now!)

2010-06-02T16:09:00.000-04:00

Q: Where have all the good men gone? Are they all married or gay?
What happened to the days of yonder when men opened doors for ladies,
paid on a dates, and genuinely made an effort?
Where do nice girls meet nice boys in their mid to late 30s?
How do you get your flirt on? Pick up a guy in the market or at the gym?

So many questions..... so few answers.

-Single in Frisco

A: Dear Single in Frisco,
I so feel your pain. I know how impossible it can feel to get unsingle when you want to. Sometimes it feels like a miracle that two people can truly connect. Coco wrote to me with similar questions some months back. You can read that post here. As a post script, she’s now happily – actually ecstatically one month into a relationship with a man she met on a train platform. He takes her out to dinner and calls when he says he’s going to and all that good stuff! So there is hope out there!

I am probably going to sound like a broken record here, but I do wholeheartedly believe that it is important to have faith that good men are out there. We know that they are – think of the ones that you know. Yes, they might not be romantic options for you but they show us they do exist. I also think it’s really important to remember that your partner might not come to you in the package or in the way you expect. Many great relationships have had completely inauspicious beginnings. And plenty of people have fallen in love with those who aren’t their “type”. Maybe he’s older than you think he is, maybe he’s divorced, maybe he’s younger, maybe he’s bald! Who cares if you’re happy with him?

My more practical advice is this:

1. Put the word out. I personally have never had anyone set me up (and I’m slightly offended about that, but I digress) but if I were looking I would be happy to be set up. I’m always on the lookout for my single friends. Put your friends to work!

2. Go on the prowl. I mean it. You don’t necessarily have to go bar-hopping to be on the prowl. You can be on the prowl during your morning commute, at the grocery store and at the gym. Stay vigilant! And don’t be afraid to make the first move. Eligible men are (obviously) not growing on trees, so don’t waste an opportunity when you find one!

3. Try something new. I don’t necessarily mean a new activity (though that couldn’t hurt), but I mean a new way to meet people. Yes, I do recommend the dreaded internets. There are a million dating sites for a reason, and check them out until you find one for you. There are real, live people on the other side of those profiles and even if 99% of them are wack, remember: it only takes one.

As for the opening doors and paying for dates, I promise you there are ones who still do that, too. And if you find someone you like who drops the ball on the chivalry aspect, I recommended doing an “appraisal” and deciding if its worth your time and energy to teach him some etiquette. He might not come completely up to par, but if he's a good person and otherwise worthy of your time and attention, you might want to invest in him anyway.

My last piece of advice is this: don't glorify the past. It's very tempting for us 30somethings, 40somethings and whatnot to think back to the days when it seemed like meeting people of the opposite sex was as easy as walking down the street. We're probably a little bit right and a little bit wrong about how easy it was. In any event, that was then and this is now. Besides, most of those guys weren't so great! Onward and upward...

Good luck and make sure you let me know about that hot, chivalrous guy you meet at the grocery store next week!

Enough about me. How about you? What do you think of my advice?

2010-06-01T16:43:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been way too self-involved. I am actually bored of me at this point. I would like to take a break from blogging about me and Ricky. Everything is fine, in case you were wondering. Great, actually. No complaints! (At the moment.) So, blah blah. New topic: YOU!

Do you need some advice? Are you bored at work? Killing time in airport and want an uninformed opinion about some aspect of your love life? Just feel like humoring me? Ask a question! Anonymity guaranteed. Email me @ askyofranny@gmail.com or post a comment here. Thank you in advance!

Also, thank you very much for your comments. Comments make my day! As do people following the blog. :) You guys rock.

The Germ Test

2010-05-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

Dear reader, I need your advice. Rightly or wrongly, there are always a series of tests to which I subject the men in my life. These tests are not premeditated or even always consciously adminstered; at some point something happens and my reaction to it is to create an “information gathering” opportunity which has a right course of action and a wrong one. Recently there was an incident that caused me to wonder if I had gone too far. Am I the one who's failing?

I should preface this story by telling you that I am slightly germphobic. I generally make a concerted effort to appear like a normal person who isn’t overly fazed by germs, but sometimes and on certain issues I fail. For instance, I will not under any circumstances touch the door handle in a public restroom with my bare hands after I’ve washed them. I love a bathroom with a swinging door! If there are no paper towels, I will use toilet paper, or I will wait until someone else opens the door. Yes, I’ve stood there and waited.

So, Ricky knows this about me. My phobia has been well-documented throughout our relationship. The other night, I had showered and gotten in bed (I also have this thing about my bed being a clean place, but I think you’ve gotten the idea) and Ricky had washed his face and brushed his teeth and was about to get in bed (no shower, but I’ve come to accept this) but first he picks up his laptop, sees that the cord is tangled, and proceeds to use both hands to smooth out the entire length of the cord. The cord that rests on the floor, not only at home but in Starbucks and lord knows where else on a regular basis. After doing this, his hands might as well have been painted red in my germphobic mind. So I tell him (well, whine at him might be a more accurate description): “You’ve contaminated your hands with that cord. Now they’re all germy.” And he gives me one of his exasperated looks and tells me that there are germs everywhere. I ask him to wash his hands and he refuses. “OK, suit yourself. But do not touch me. I mean it.” And I did mean it. He rolls his eyes, gets in bed, sets his alarm and then reaches over to put his arm around me. I swat his arm away. He says “I thought you’d have forgotten.” “No.” I tell him. “I will never forget. Keep your germy hands on your side of the bed.”

Ricky sighs and turns out the light and tells me he’s not going to indulge my craziness. I respond: “Fine. You win. And by win, I mean you don't get to touch me.” I then scoot farther over to my side of the bed and turn my back to him. At this point, I realize that maybe I’ve gone too far. But I really, really, really don’t want his germy hands to touch me! I try telling myself that if I had been in the bathroom while he touched the cord I never would have known. I try to remind myself of all of the millions of germy things he’d touched before touching me that I will never ever know about. I will survive if he touches me, I will probably even enjoy it. Of course I know this. But it is all to no avail. I'm not trying to "win", but I am powerless to surrender. I decide to go to sleep without so much as a cuddle.

After a few minutes, I hear him get up and go into the bathroom. Sure enough, I hear the water running and a minute later he’s back in bed. I face him and ask if he washed his hands. “Maybe” he replies. I take one of his hands and sniff. It smells like soap, it’s still slightly damp, it’s glorious. “Thank you! Now you can touch me all you want.” I tell him and wrap my arms around him.

I know I should be happy, since he passed the test and I “won.” But the thought lingers… should I have just let it go? Did I go too far? What do you think?

Investment Property

2010-05-17T15:58:00.000-04:00

I think most men can be put into one of two categories: prime real estate or fixer-upper. When I was younger, I was always going for the prime real estate. Sometimes we call it the “whole package” or “Mr. Right.” Perhaps the especially whimsical among us call him “Prince Charming.” There’s nothing wrong with prime real estate, if you can afford it, or if you get lucky enough to stumble into a sweet bargain for some previously undervalued property. By and large, however, prime real estate is either nearly impossible to find on the market (it gets snatched up pretty quickly – women are no dummies!) or there is such intense demand we often find ourselves outbid.

But the fixer-upper. There are many more fixer-uppers on the market. You have to be careful and discriminating, of course. You need a solid foundation with which to work. Does the roof need to be replaced? Will it cost a fortune to renovate? You have to make sure that you’re looking at something fixable, not a property that should be condemned. Rotting foundation, vermin infestations, squatters – you need to make sure the property is free from squatters, or at least that they can be easily displaced. Once you’ve determined you have a fixer-upper, you might just be in luck.

I went to school with a classic fixer-up. He and I had a brief dalliance, but mostly we were friends. Now this guy, we’ll him Victor – was (and is) great in many ways. Incredibly smart, funny, charming. And really good-looking. But while we were in school he went through this bohemian phase where he grew a straggly beard, wore the same clothes almost every day, and smoked so that he generally smelled of dirty hair and cigarettes. How unsexy can you get? He had been neglected and fallen into disrepair. So I took it upon myself to help Victor out. I wrote him a “memo” titled “10 Ways Victor Can Smell Better.”

The bullet points ranged from washing his hair every day to not smoking in his dorm room. I also gave him guidelines for how long he could wear certain items of clothing before washing them (underwear: once; jeans: thrice). While I don’t generally recommend such an aggressive approach to renovations, it totally worked with Victor. Not only did he heed my advice, he actually thanked me for changing his life. He used those words! If you were to see Victor today, all you would know is that he is prime real estate. Good looking, successful and off the market. Happily married with a new baby.

I identified Ricky as a fixer-upper early on. Smart, funny, basically good-hearted (no vermin infestation), but he was fearful of commitment and had some general boorish tendencies that needed to be corrected. Cosmetically, all was good. Well, mostly – I have started making him over a bit and there are certain clothes I’ve declared off-limits. I actually try to get him to eat more and work out less because he looks better naked than I do, but I digress. The main areas in need of fixing had to do with his conflict resolution skills (non-existent) to his general playboy ways. Shockingly, the playboy ways were the easiest to correct. All that was required was my taking a stand in my request for fidelity. But the communication is an ongoing battle. We have so many “men are from mars, women are from venus” moments that make me want to jump off a bridge. I know I wanted a fixer-upper, but the contractor lied about how much this was going to cost and how long it was going to take!

Last week Ricky and I were in co-habitating heaven. I was saying things to him like “isn’t living together the most fun thing ever?” and “how excited were you today to get home to see me?” But on Saturday there was an “incident” that could have been easily squashed with a sincere and prompt apology. But that was not to be. One long drawn out I'm sorry and two days later and we are still on the rocks. I don’t even know if we’re going to make it. I hope we do, but soon there could be two fixer-uppers back on the market- Ricky and me.

Police Brutality

2010-05-11T13:11:00.000-04:00

Q: (I’m paraphrasing) There’s a woman, let’s call her Lynn. Lynn is over 40, single and a police officer (let’s call her Officer Lynn!) who desperately wants to be married. Officer Lynn is perplexed as to why she can’t find a husband, since she thinks she is funny, fly, etc. Those who know Officer Lynn think she is a huge pain in the ass. To wit: she is loud and obnoxious in social settings to an almost unbearable degree, and she is obsessed with men’s wives. For example, she constantly says things to men like “Where’s your wife?” “How’s your wife?” “Well, if you didn’t have a wife..” and so on. According to my sources, Officer Lynn can be so unbearable that people avoid being places where they know she will be. But Officer Lynn has a friend, we’ll call her Sharon. And while Sharon’s husband can’t stand Officer Lynn, and neither can any of Sharon’s other friends, Sharon sees a side of Officer Lynn that most don’t and wants to help her friend but doesn’t know how.

A: I’ve known these Officer Lynn types, and let me start by saying that Sharon is a bigger and better person than I am. I’m not known for my patience. But, this isn’t about me, it’s about Sharon and Officer Lynn. Sharon, dear Sharon, first and foremost, if you do care about your friend, the thing you must be is honest with her. If you can see how much people are put off by Officer Lynn’s obnoxious ways, as her friend you should tell her. It’s Armchair Psychology 101 that Officer Lynn is aggressive as a way to protect herself. If she’s so frustrated by her singledom and so fixated on it, it’s no wonder. But if you’re the only one who can stand to be around her (which is the impression I get), it sounds like she’s moving farther and farther away from the direction of finding the companionship she so desperately wants.

So you need to point this out to her. You should probably leave out the part about your husband and all of your friends not being able to stand her. Instead, take advantage of the fact that you have what she wants – a husband. Hold yourself up as an expert (kind of like I do!) And give her the advice that she should drop the wife talk and realize that you catch more flies with honey. If she’s reluctant, present it like a challenge – tell her to just try as an experiment to see how men respond to the kinder, more-toned down, less wife-obsessed Officer Lynn. If she's not having it, oh well. At some point, Officer Lynn might just have to continue to sleep in the bed she's made for herself. Alone. You can only do so much.

Good luck! And bless you for trying out of the kindness of your heart to make life better for Officer Lynn.

The Big Snore

2010-04-27T12:36:00.000-04:00

Oh my. This is unexpected. Of all the things I was worried might go wrong with me and Ricky, snoring is not one of them. My snoring, that is. It's not like Ricky and I never spent the night together before we lived together. We spent the night together all the time. But maybe now we're in our own bed (vs. his or mine) and I'm sleeping better or more comfortably or I'm just dog tired these days, but my snoring has been literally keeping Ricky awake nights.

Women aren't supposed to be the snorers. Ricky does snore, but it's a light snore that I've only heard a few times and it certainly hasn't ever woken me up. But apparently, I am snoring like a drunken, 300 pound sailor. This is so not sexy. I have always snored, but infrequently and only when extremely overtired, resulting in unconscious-like sleep mode. And normally when I snore I can hear myself snoring, readjust and stop. The other night, I could hear myself snoring, alright. It sounded more like a grizzly bear with a sinus problem than an actual human, but it was definitely me. And it was so bad it was disturbing my sleep. I was eventually able to stop myself, but judging from the pillow over Ricky's head when we woke up the next morning, the stoppage was only temporary.

That same night, he headbutted me twice, and elbowed me in the face (while sleeping!). It was awful! So much so I had to wonder if our sleep was mirroring some terrible thing that was going on under the surface of our relationship. But the next day, we talked about it. I'm now sleeping with my head more elevated, which seems to be helping (or maybe after so many sleepless nights, he's now too tired to be kept awake by anything, even my bear snores). And he's been so extra sweet and lovely - I think Breathe Right strips may be in my future, but it'll take more than snoring to come between us.

Get (the right) Shorty

2010-04-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

Q: How to deal with running into an ex when you are not with your shorty and it’s the ex your shorty hates with a passion so much so that they are irrational about it (so I added a little color to the story). And not just running into them—you were hanging out with your friend, didn’t know the ex was going to be there, and you end up hanging out with them (friend and ex) the whole night.

Do you tell your shorty?

A: My advice is this: tell your shorty! Healthy relationships depend on honesty, and you have to put yourself in your shorty’s shoes. Scenario 1: Shorty accidentally finds out about ex-Shorty sighting. This can easily happen. An innocuous Facebook posting, the friend makes some offhand remark in front of Shorty about last week when you all went to _________. How about next time you run into ex-Shorty and this time you’re with Shorty? What if it is clear to Shorty that you and ex-Shorty have seen each other? Scenario 2: Since Shorty hates ex-Shorty so much, I have to assume there’s some actual reason (versus general dislike of anyone who was with your Shorty before you were). So what if ex-Shorty is trifling and wants to stir up some drama? Ex-Shorty can safely assume Shorty finding out you saw each other would be bad, and maybe that’s ex-Shorty’s idea of a good time…

Now, telling Shorty about ex-Shorty should definitely be prefaced with: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner – I didn’t want to upset you, but I realize that I have nothing to hide and keeping it from you is not cool. Shorty may very well be angry that you didn’t turn around and walk away at the sight of ex-Shorty, and that you didn’t tell him/her right away. So you have to be prepared for that. Maybe the solution is in the future, you do turn around and walk away and tell your Shorty about it right away. Even if you’re over ex-Shorty and don’t have a problem with him/her and think Shorty’s being irrational, oh well. Sometimes in relationships we have to accept each other’s occasional irrationalities. If we’re not willing to (selectively) compromise and do that, then maybe we’re not in the right relationship.

And for what it’s worth, Ricky recently saw The Dreaded Ex on purpose by going to her birthday drinks gathering. He told me about it before hand, and I really appreciated that he did. He also called me after he left (at a very respectable hour) and because he was so straightforward about it, I was fine with it. But if I had found out about it after-the-fact, it would’ve been a different story. So again – tell your Shorty!

BONUS advice: Don't refer to both the ex-Shorty and the current Shorty as Shorty. Personalize!

Hi, I can't come to the phone right now. I'm on the next level...

2010-04-15T11:23:00.000-04:00

If you believe in coincidence, this is a big one. If you don’t believe in coincidence and instead feel that everything happens for a reason, this is a big one. Shortly after I made the decision to move to DC, Ricky and I came down from New York to look at apartments for me. While we were here, he got an email about a temporary, 3 – 5 month job at a law firm in DC that was looking solely for patent lawyers with mechanical engineering degrees. It so happens that Ricky is a patent lawyer with a mechanical engineering degree. It also happens that my DC job is scheduled to last 3 months, so I excitedly told him to apply for the job, which he did. We didn't discuss this as any major milestone or development in our relationship. I just wanted him to keep me company and he just went along with it.

As you’ve probably guessed by now, Ricky got the job. It was officially confirmed yesterday and he starts work this coming Monday. Professionally, it is actually a good move for him. He even got them to pay him more money than they originally offered. So he is moving down to DC and in with me. Wow. Maybe not a big wow for some people, but a big wow for me. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before, not even temporarily. I am very excited for him to come and am now sure I will enjoy my time in DC. I can now even envision us staying here, if all goes well professionally and of course, personally.

I remember seeing a married couple on Oprah years ago, who had been married for decades. In all of those years, the husband had never seen his wife without makeup on, and didn’t want to. She likewise never wanted him to see her naked face, and so she slept with makeup on and got up before him every morning so she could wash her face and reapply before he woke up. Clearly, they are crazy people. But in a way, we all have our less overtly insane way of keeping parts of ourselves hidden.

I hope that I am ready for the exposure that co-habitation requires. There are things that I normally don’t do in front of Ricky, like poop, fart, eat copious amounts of ice cream and talk to myself. I don’t know how long I will be able to keep those activities under wraps. And what does he do when I’m not around? How much longer will I be able to keep my blog address secret? Are we going to share a hamper? Does that mean we’ll be washing each other’s underwear? Should I buy a cookbook?

It’s wonderful and horrifying all at the same time. The anticipation has become nearly all-consuming. I am trying to envision him in everything I do at home. What will he be doing while I’m putting away groceries? Watching TV? Brushing my teeth? Talking on the phone? Is this the precursor for a life (or a long time, at least) together, or will this be the end of us? Of course it’s too soon to tell. I've been telling everyone "It's only 3 months!" to which my mother said "Famous last words." Yikes! I have to keep reminding myself what I told Ricky: if we wind up hating each other, at least we’ll know. No risk, no reward. Isn’t that what the next level is all about?

Am I a Cougar?

2010-04-08T21:58:00.000-04:00

Setting aside any feminist misgivings I might have about the contemporary usage of the term Cougar, it can be useful. But it is perhaps applied too broadly. I was catching up with a girlfriend of mine the other night and filling her on the status of my relationship with Ricky, whom she’s never met. She asked how old he is and when I told her, I suddenly felt really self-conscious and asked her if I was a Cougar. “Yes!” she said emphatically. But I’m too young to be a Cougar! Aren’t I?

Ricky, my beau, my cub, my whatever – is 30. He just turned 30 recently. He was 29 when we started dating, and I had just turned 35. It’s interesting to note that of the last 3 guys I dated, plus one who I never actually dated due to outside complications but wanted to – all of them were 29 when we started dating. Granted, I was 33 when I dated the first 29 year old, but the fact remains that there’s a definite pattern.

I think that 35 might be the last age when I can get away with dating a man in his 20s without it being icky. And 29 is practically 30, so it's not a big deal, right? But I have to admit, I was so happy for Ricky to turn 30! I am deliberately not making a distinction between early 30s versus mid 30s versus (GULP) late 30s. He’s in his 30s, so am I, end of story! I think.

Ricky and I were out the other night with a friend of his who is even younger than he is (it’s possible, apparently!) who asked me my opinion as to why he was recently attracting women in their 30s. I speculated it was due to us 30-something women knowing that if we meet a single man our age, there’s a reason he’s single, and we probably don’t want to step into that hotbed of issues. But a man in his 20s- well, he’s single because he’s young. He might be a fixer-upper, but the price of prime real estate can be too high for us to pay. Any single woman in her 30s knows this to be true.

This young guy has been dating these older women, and so I asked him why he was likewise attracted to them. He started out by saying that he likes that older women have something interesting to say, they are more confident, more sexually capable, and less apt to play games. OK, I get it. That sounds good. And then he added that they were, frankly, more desperate, and that helped too.

Oh my. The dreaded “D” word. I suppose that’s why I am loathe to be labeled as a Cougar. That’s why I am pretending that 30 and 35 are same age. No one wants to be labeled as the “D” word. And don’t desperate and Cougar go hand-in-hand? Even Manthers and much younger women smack of desperation, and we’re used to seeing those pairings. But the truth is, I felt more desperate when I was 25. I was desperate to be loved, desperately afraid that I wouldn’t be, and desperate to try to make myself into someone who could be. And now, I don’t have any of those fears.

We are so quick to label women as desperate- desperate if you're single, desperate if you date younger men, desperate if you date older men, and you can even end up a desperate housewife. Maybe Cougar isn't the label I should fight against, it's the idea that women are forever insecure, worried and willing to do anything to try to fill the void. But while we continue to fight that battle, I maintain - 5 years older does not a Cougar make!

The Real Ricky, My Ricky and Our March Madness

2010-03-30T21:25:00.000-04:00

The real Rick Jackson let me down recently - way to blow our championship hopes on your Sweet Sixteen loss to sucky Butler, Orange! But my Ricky, formerly known as Larry, is still on the road to the championship. Yes, amazingly, Ricky and I are still going strong. I say amazingly because we are still on the bumpy road. Don't tell Ricky I said this, but other than a March Madness-related incident last week, it's been largely my fault. A lot has changed recently. I had a new job opportunity come up rather quickly in a new city and I took it. I didn't, in my heart of hearts, want to take it, but it was such a better job than the one Ricky and I had, I felt that I had to.

As soon as I accepted, I went into a minor depression. And my poor Ricky, he was supportive and encouraging of my leaving. He tried his best to get me excited about this new opportunity. I suppose what I really wanted was to him to say "Don't go!" but he didn't. He did tell me he didn't feel ready for me to leave, but he also said he was happy for me and he thought it was the right decision.

The job is in Washington DC, and I've been living in New York. It is initially only a three month contract, so the move might only be temporary. I made the decision to go before discussing our future with Ricky. That was my decision, and I promptly proceeded to punish him for it with excessive moodiness. But once Ricky and I talked about our mutual desire to stay together, our commitment to visiting each other and to continue to date exclusively, I cheered up a bit. He even came down to DC with me to look for apartments, and we had a great time on our first out of town trip together.

Even knowing our good intentions to stay together, my lingering uncertainty combined with the stress of the impending move caused me to break down and cry in front of him for the first time. I so wasn't ready to be that woman, but Ricky held me and wiped my tears and kissed my face and I couldn't help but think that he really is a keeper and we really are going to make it.

That happy, warm feeling quickly turned to a kind of panic. Am I going to marry Ricky? Mind you, he hasn't come close to asking, but still! I'm no spring chicken. I can't just be dating someone indefinitely with no thought of the future! He doesn't like vegetables. Can I really marry someone who doesn't like vegetables? Sometimes he drinks too much. Can I really marry someone who drinks too much? He refuses to floss regularly. Can I really marry someone who's probably going to lose all his teeth in 25 years? He's only about half an inch taller than me. Can I really marry someone I'm going to tower over in heels?

But then the other day I had a thought. Ricky made me a care package for my trip down to DC with all of my favorite snacks. He also gave me a card in which he wrote that after his initial resistance, I had become the most important person in his life. It was so sweet and I couldn't help but feel really, really lucky to have him. And for some reason I thought about arranged marriages. I realized that if my family had arranged a marriage between me and Ricky, and I didn't have a choice in the matter, how lucky I would feel. It would be the arranged marriage jackpot! I think I would live the rest of my life happy with Ricky, knowing how easy it would have been to end up with someone who made me miserable, instead of giving me chocolate/hummus/pita chip/Diet Pepsi care packages.

Well, I'm certainly not advocating arranged marriage. And we modern women, our expectations are so high, the billionaire-male model- star athlete-poet hybrid would have a hard time passing muster. When I let go of the fantasy of the always sensitive, never-in-a-million-years-put-a-basketball-game-before-spending-time-with-me-and-do-everything-I-want him-to-all-the-time man aside, Ricky is pretty special. But don't tell him I said so. I'm still trying to get him to eat more vegetables before I make up my mind about our future.

On Scheming Women...

2010-03-28T15:33:00.000-04:00

The Love Fauxpert got a long question this time, so here's a summary of the issue:
1. Ben and Hope are in a long-term committed relationship.
2. Ben had a co-worker, Beth - who raised some jealous feelings in Hope due to Ben's ravings about Beth.
3. After a year, Hope winds up meeting Beth, discovers Beth has her own boyfriend (they go on a double date), and that she is generally awesome.
4. Ben leaves the company and Hope and Beth become friends, particularly after Beth breaks up with her boyfriend and wants to spend more time with her girlfriends.
5. As Hope and Beth become closer, Hope notices that Beth is uncomfortably flirty with Ben. WTF?
6. Ben mentions there is a opening at his company, and Beth asks to go to brunch with him, alone, to discuss it.
7. Now Hope has to admit to herself and Ben that something about his and Beth's relationship makes her uncomfortable. And she doesn't like the idea of them working together every day. But Hope does tell Ben she doesn't want him not to offer Beth the job on her account.
8. Ben is surprised and apologetic, but Hope still feels like he's humoring her and secretly thinks she's being crazy.
9. Beth gets offered the job, but to Hope's relief doesn't accept it for career reasons. In the meantime, Hope becomes increasingly disturbed by Beth's increasingly flirtatious and inappropriate behavior. For instance, Beth tells Hope that she feels like she's "broken up" with Ben by not accepting the job.
10. The icing on the cake has been Beth coming over to Hope's house, asking if Ben was around so she can tell him "he's still the love of her life." And on Ben's recent birthday, Beth wrote on his Facebook wall: "Happy Birthday handsome - You're the wind beneath my wings."
BONUS: Hope has confided to Beth that she has had trust issues with Ben in the past.

SO, Hope wants to know:

Q: "am I overreacting or is Beth totally clueless when it comes to what's appropriate? What I do now and how do I get over my trust issues?"

A: My oh my. I hardly know where to begin. Let me start by staying that you are not overreacting. Not at all. As a woman, this kind of behavior really offends me. I personally go out of my way to stay far, far into the friend zone when it comes to my girlfriends' partners. But I digress - let me cut to the chase - you need to cut that conniving such-and-such Beth off. And here's why. Beth is romantically interested in your boyfriend. Now, we can't help the way we feel, so I'm not going to fault her for that. Having a crush on your friend's boyfriend doesn't make you a bad friend. It's what you do about it that matters. And what I fault Beth for is her behavior. It is possible that she is not conscious of it. Unlikely as flying pigs, but possible. I have known some women who are almost completely incapable of relating to men in a non-sexual way, and so they flirt with almost every man they encounter. Beth could be one of those women, and as her friend you would know if this behavior is indiscriminate. But even if it is, she clearly does not have boundaries and so you cannot trust her. Even if there is no way in a million years your boyfriend would ever betray you, I don't think that is the point. Would you allow a compulsive thief unfettered access to your bank account just because you happened to be broke?

So to answer your second question, no - I do not think that Beth is clueless as to what's appropriate. I also happen to think she's testing you. The little remarks, flirting with him in front of you- all sly ways of acting innocent- and thereby putting you in a near impossible position. After all - she's your friend and if she's saying these things right to your face, of course they mean nothing - right?? Wrong! Even if you weren't actually friends with Beth and she was just your boyfriend's co-worker, it would still be WACK of her to behave that way and would you question yourself then? As I've already said, I don't think cluelessness is an excuse. As for what you should do, there are a few things that come to mind. After telling Beth to suck it, the first is to talk to your boyfriend again. I don't know how many of Beth's comments you have shared with him, but I get the impression you've been worried about appearing irrational and so my guess is not many. So he might really not know the extent of her intentions. I am also going to assume your boyfriend hasn't done anything in particular to encourage her attentions (except not actively discouraging them). Men like flattery, so even if he does suspect she has a crush on him, he could just enjoy the attention and think it's harmless. You know your boyfriend and I don't, so I leave it to you decide the likelihood of this scenario.

Now I know I started this all by saying to cut Beth off. Of course it's your decision as to whether you feel comfortable continuing to be friends with her. You could ask her point blank if she has a crush on Ben. You could wait until she makes another inappropriate remark or Facebook post, or you could bring it up the next time you talk to her. And you could follow it up by explaining yourself to her, etc. I imagine she would feign innocence and maybe she would change her behavior. But would that make you feel better? Which goes back to my original advice to talk to your boyfriend. That is the relationship that matters the most here, and that's the one you want to focus on. The Beths of the world may come and go, but he's the one you're committed to. So talk to him, openly and honestly and trust yourself and your instincts - you're not a crazy person. I don't know the nature of whatever trust issues have come up in the past, but I'm sure he does. And if he's really listening, and really values your relationship, he will hear you.

As for your "trust issues" - when you find yourself flying off the handle because your boyfriend says "thanks" to the cashier when buying his coffee, then possibly you might be reading too much into the situation. But Beth - that chick gives women a bad name. Your mistake is not trusting yourself. Fast forward a year, two years into the future. If you and your boyfriend are still together, do you still want to have Beth in your lives, passive-aggressively keeping you off balance?

Hope, this is a really sucky situation. I feel for you, but I also know you can get through it. Best of luck and let me know how it goes!

How Not To Be Loca

2010-03-16T21:16:00.000-04:00

Q: Any advice YoFranny on how to get out of the "emotionally shutdown" funk when your significant other rubs you the wrong way? My boyfriend could say one small thing that upsets me and our entire evening will be ruined, cause i can't seem to snap out of my bad mood. I can't seem to control it!

A: Oh Dear Saaara, it is so unfortunate we can be such raving lunatics! I swear I can conduct myself like a rational grownup in every other situation, but when it comes to me and a boy at a sensitive moment... forget it! Just today I had cause to remind myself once again to take my own advice, which I now pass on to you. The first piece comes from something I once told Ricky when he was behaving particularly badly. He kept on saying "I'm sorry, but I'm just selfish sometimes." And I tried to explain to him that selfishness is not an incurable disease. He did have control over his behavior, whether or not he chose to exert that control. I say the same thing to you now: this emotional shutdown we experience is not incurable. But no one has the power to cure it but you.

I think that if you're honest with yourself, you have to admit (as I do) that sometimes when you're in a funk, you don't actually want to come out of it. Meaning, you might kinda sorta want to come out of it, but it's hard to do so you just kind of give up. Am I right? Lord knows I do. Sometimes I just allow myself to wallow. But we have to remember that it is not kind, mature or productive to torture the men in our lives in this way. So this leads me to my recommended course of action - Fake It 'Til You Make It! Take a deep breath, decide you are going to force yourself to act like a normal person and just do it. It also helps at times to acknowledge your shutdown to your boyfriend, rather than say nothing is wrong when clearly everything is!

Today I was hoping to see Ricky after I left work (he left before me today) but didn't communicate that plan in time and he went home when I thought he was still in the vicinity of our office. He texted me when he got home and I was instantly hurt and angry that he hadn't thought to ask me what time I was leaving, and to wait for me so he could see me before going home. I could feel the overblown response building, but I took a deep breath and forced myself to tell him that: a) I had hoped I would get to see him after work; and b) that I was taking it personally but I knew that was an irrational reaction to the situation. He told me not to take it personally, which wasn't a particularly helpful response, but I just made a choice to let it go. Something about articulating I was behaving irrationally forced me to not want him to see me continue to do so.

So, Saaara, I know you can do it. I know you can take hold of the funk and tame it! Next time you feel it coming on, just stop and make a different choice. I'm already planning how normally I am going to behave tomorrow when I see Ricky, because I know that after a little while I will actually feel normal. And after that, being normal can't be far behind. At least that's the plan!

What a Girl is to Do

2010-03-10T13:35:00.000-05:00

Q: Ok, I admit it, I've had a checkered relationship past. Haven't we all? A little too open to some undeserving or not-so-interested guys (just not into me!), closed off to nice guys, blah blah blah.

I have been on a hiatus from the boys altogether for more than a year, and have basically been closed off to all possibilities (I needed a break!). I'm at a point now where I feel open to being in a relationship, but I don't know where to begin! Online dating has been recommended to me multiple times, but I'm not really comfortable with that idea (I don't even do online banking!)

What's a girl in her mid-30's to do? - Coco

A: Dear Coco, let me first point out a few really good things about being single: 1) you can remain morally superior when assessing your friends' relationships; 2) you don't have to shave, wax, etc unless you feel like it or are going to the beach; and 3) you can shamelessly flirt with whomever you want, guilt-free.

Now, if you're still determined to meet someone and give up all the good stuff listed above, I would say the first thing to do is change your attitude. Yes, the idea of meeting someone great can feel really daunting, particularly during long spells of not meeting anyone even possibly great. But we have to keep the faith. If you are as ready as you say you are for a relationship, you have to open yourself up.

I understand your reluctance to date online. There are many crazy people on the internet. There are many crazy people everywhere, however, and there is inevitable crazy person sifting that must happen in life. People who date online are still, above all, people. So you might want to consider opening yourself up to the possibility. (Oh, and you should do online banking for sure. So convenient!)

Having said that, of course there are a million ways/places to meet someone. The last 5 guys I've met that I've either liked/gone on dates with I met at: 1) a wedding; 2) the dog park; 3) on the subway; 4) in a bar (he was the bartender); and 5) at work. And if there is a common denominator to these varied meetings, it was a general relaxed and non-expectant attitude on my part.

I'm not saying "you'll find someone when you're not looking." I hate that expression because it's like saying "don't think about white elephants." It's useless. I always took that as meaning give up on finding love, and only then will you find it. I don't know about you, but I'm not a quitter. I was looking for love when I met those guys, but I wasn't necessarily looking in the moment I met them. I was just having a good time- with my dog at the dog park, with my friends at the wedding and in the bar. At work I was there to work, not find a boyfriend, and on the subway it was late and I was just trying to get home.

When my co-worker invited me out after work to watch a Yankee game, I said yes even though I wasn't romantically interested in him at the time (I soon came to be, and yes, the co-worker is Ricky). When I got on the subway train and noticed the cute guy noticing me, I headed in his direction and sat near him. Sure enough, he struck up a conversation, which I welcomed.

I say all of this to say, that there is of course no magic formula for meeting men. But you can live your life and do the things you and enjoy and just be open to the possibility that someone will be drawn to you simply because you are doing just that. Ricky once made a comment about a woman we work with "not looking single" which I thought was fascinating and I asked him what he meant. And he said she wasn't looking around while she was out, not making eye contact, and carrying herself in a general "unfriendly and can't be bothered" sort of way. I knew there was a lesson in there - and I think it's this. Don't look not single. Keep yourself open to the possibility that there could be someone around whose eye you've caught. There's no harm in smiling at that cute guy, and there's no guarantee that he's going to be where you expect him to be.

Good luck, Coco. And let me know how it goes!

The Long and Bumpy Road

2010-03-10T10:21:00.000-05:00

It is possible that I am not emotionally equipped to be in a relationship. I seem to have entered a new phase of emotional self-awareness, and let me tell you - I am aware I am possibly a crazy person.

Ricky and I have had many bumps in the road. Upon entering our new phase of mutual non-relationship understanding, I expected it to be smooth sailing. Really. Yes, of course I should know better. As of yesterday, Ricky and I are on the outs. It isn't the first time this has happened and it probably won't be the last.

The last time we had a bump, it was caused by him saying something insensitive (about the hotness of his friend's roommate) while drunk and waking up the next morning with no recollection of having uttered the offensive statement. And when I get pissed, I get really pissed. So I was barely able to look at him, much less speak to him the next morning. After a little while of him clearly being baffled and me being too angry to enlighten him, he asks what the matter is. I tell him, and he is further baffled, commenting that she isn't even hot, (Oh - I didn't mention that he retracted the hot comment after saying it the night before - Irrelevant!) and he doesn't know why he would say that. Clearly unappeased by his apology, he puts his arms around me, looks me in the eye, and says "I'm going to have to start taking better care of this relationship, because it's really important to me."

And well, I didn't let on to him at that exact moment that he had made it all OK, but he had. And shortly thereafter I let him off the hook. And I told myself we'd reached a milestone - everything was going to be OK now. Really. Yes, of course I should have known better.

The next hiccup was caused by what I can only describe as my passive-aggressive tendencies. I was spending the night at Ricky's apartment after a lovely evening. I wake up in the middle of the night to discover that he is on the sofa in the living room watching college basketball. And this really bothers me, for reasons I can't even fully understand. I ask him why he's on the sofa, and he says it's because he can't sleep and he'll be back in bed in a little while. So I go back to bed and wake up at 7:30 the following (Saturday) morning to discover that he's still on the sofa, fast asleep, TV still on. And again, I am just really bothered by this. Why is he sleeping on a sofa when he can be sleeping with me?

I like to take action in these situations (well, really I like to sulk but he's sleeping so that would be ineffective), so after a moment of intense pondering, I decide what to do. I decide to leave. Never mind it's an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning or that I am painfully sleepy and all I really want to do is go back to bed. I take a shower, I get dressed, and as I am getting my stuff together to walk out the door, he wakes up. When he asks me why I'm leaving, I tell him: "What else am I supposed to do? I couldn't sleep either." This is basically a lie and fundamentally a passive-aggressive tactic to punish him for sleeping on the sofa. Worst part is, I know it and I am powerless to stop myself. Ugh. How embarrassing.

To Ricky's credit, he calmly asks me to stay and to give him a minute to wake up. So he gets up, takes a shower and makes himself some coffee, then makes me breakfast. And all the while I'm sitting on the sofa with a scarf around my neck and my arms folded, ready to hop up at any moment. After I eat, I force myself to soften. And he grabs me and makes me cuddle with him on the sofa, which he knows is one of my favorite things to do. And due to his concerted effort to make it better, I let go of my possibly irrational anger and definitely irrational response to that anger and all is well.

That is, until yesterday. There was what could have been an unremarkable incident involving a lottery ticket that we purchased together, but I was in not the best of moods (though not taking it out on him, for the record!) and he made a comment about me taking my bad mood and leaving him alone (I wasn't even taking it out him! I had simply commented on my bad mood), and this just really upset me. So I got mad at him and he either got mad at me in return or is giving me space to be mad or maybe he's got something else going on his head entirely. I have no idea. And unless and until he makes the effort to communicate with me, this could go on for awhile.

I'm not handling this in the best way, I know. And I hate to think of myself of someone who needs "handling", but I have to admit that I am. However, I know that my propensity to shut down when upset is not an incurable disease, rather a persistent condition. Isn't admitting that I have a problem the first step?

Coming Clean and Editor's Note

2010-03-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine asked me what my love interest, "Larry" thought of my blog. When I told her he didn't know about it, I realized that was kind of odd. After all, we know virtually everything about each other's lives right now. I realized that if I found out he had been secretly blogging about me, I would secretly blog right back about how outrageous it was that he had kept this from me. So, since I value the honesty he has always shown me, I came clean about the blog. First, he was mortified. When I explained that I wasn't using his real name, he asked what his alias was. He was very unhappy with "Larry", so I told him he could choose his own alias. He chose Rick or Ricky, after Syracuse basketball player Rick Jackson, since he's a fan and because "no one is named Rick anymore."

So "Larry" will heretofore be known as Ricky. Sorry if this causes any confusion, but Ricky looks like he might be around for awhile and I figured this is the least I could do for him. He is, afterall, my pseudo-boyfriend.

Yourbabenow's question (re: previous post) answered NOW.

2010-02-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

Q: yourbabenow said...
So you are saying that the way to a man's heart is to have lots of good sex with him until it becomes habit-forming? But what about all those years when men and women didn't have sex before marriage? Women were still able to attract men without the sex, no? And don't some torrid sex affairs just kind of peter out, while others end up lasting? What makes some survive while others die on the vine?

I guess what concerns me is that, when you are giving this man all this good sex in the beginning, you are open and vulnerable and you still don't know how it's going to end up. Know what I mean?

A: First off, that "advice" was hypothetical - I based that off of Rina's general attitude and approach towards men. But anyone who goes by the name "Yourbabenow" surely knows the importance of being someone's babe, now. Of course being someone's babe above all elese with any Joe Schmoe is probably not going to get you far down the relationship road. But we can't ignore Rina's fictional advice to never underestimate just how important regularly receiving enthusiastic sex is for men. But of course men and women need more, and without more your torrid love affair will fade and disappear.

Luckily for me, in my particular situation Larry and I were friends before we were lovers and we had mutual respect and concern for each other going for us from the beginning. We already enjoyed each other's company and had an emotional attachment to each other. So the sex was the icing on the cake, but it is icing that I take very seriously.

So, Yourbabenow, if we were to go back 50, 80 or 100 years when pre-marital sex was less common in this country, we would: a) be old spinsters since we're not married by now; b)- forget about b. We'd be old spinsters and everyone would have given up on us. Maybe we'd use our lonely spinsterhood productively like Jane Austen. Or we'd have secret lovers like Elizabeth I. In any event, our societal attitude towards marriage back then was completely different - it wasn't about marrying your soulmate. There were more practical concerns at the forefront like having kids to plow the fields or take over the business, not to mention the spinsterhood avoidance.

But now we want it all. And men, they are constantly being told that women are here to give it all. And like kids in the proverbial candy store, many (NOT all) of them are easily distracted by the new sweet treat on the shelf. Sigh. So, Yourbabenow, stay babelicious. Just choose the "your" very carefully.

What Would Rina Do?

2010-02-17T10:05:00.000-05:00

I know a woman who is by all accounts, fabulous. She is beautiful and glamorous, and above all smart and determined. To know her is to know that she is someone who gets what she wants out of life, one way or another. Her determination has led her to achieve many of her life's goals, including her recent bethrothal to a previously confirmed playboy bachelor. It wasn't easy for her to bring him around to proposing, and to be honest, I didn't think she would be able to do it. I knew he was crazy about her, but he was so resistant to letting go of his "freedom", I didn't think he'd ever get married to anyone. But not only did she succeed in her quest to marry this man, he's now married her with enthusiasm.

In pondering my own relationship situation, it leads me to wonder: what would Rina do?

As previously disclosed, I am an in a "relationship" with Larry, who is committed without being committed, with me while leaving the option of leaving me open. My guess is that if I were Rina, I would do the following: a) give it to him so good he can't imagine getting it anywhere else and b) let him know that if he doesn't give me what I want, he won't be getting it ever again.

While these two pieces of advice might seem at odds with each other, I imagine Rina would explain it somewhat like this: Men are simple, ego-driven and highly sexual animals. They want to feel like men, and they want to be satisfied sexually. If you can take care of these needs, he will be satisfied and grateful and will grow ever more attached to you. Once that attachment has grown to a critical point, that's when you let him know that all of the fabulousness that is you goes away without one of your fundamental needs being met: the need to feel secure in a committed, long-term relationship.

What's fascinating is that most women I know, when they heard about the Larry situation, have given me the opposite advice, ranging from "dump him" to "that's bullshit". It so happens that most of these women are single and would prefer not to be. I point this out not as a judgment, but as a statement of fact. Is there a certain pragmatism that comes as a result of having to compromise in a committed relationship? When I told my mother about Larry, she pretty much shrugged her shoulders and said "He's fighting it. He'll come around." For the record, I would be overjoyed to have the relationship that my parents had for almost 30 years. Which leads me to wonder if the unwillingness to compromise is the reason so many of my friends (and I) are single.

Maybe Rina is on to something. She may not have had the fairy tale love story, where her man has an instant epiphany that she is the only woman on the planet for him, and he drops to one knee and pleads (in a manly way) for her to honor him by spending the rest of her life with him. She had to twist his arm a bit. But in the end, she got exactly what she wanted, and he is happy to have given it to her. Which is not to say that the fairy tale doesn't exist. It's only to say maybe there's more than one way to happily ever after.

Brian's Love Problems: SOLVED!

2010-02-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

Q: First, how does one go about telling someone you're with that they need to change something about themselves physically. Particularly, I was dating a girl a while back and she was really pretty awesome, but she had bad breath, even after brushing her teeth. It killed it. I wanted to tell her to talk to her dentist, but I thought she would break down and cry or something.

A: That sucks. It sucks that she has some chronic halitosis issues, it sucks that it killed your budding romance, and it sucks that she is still chasing men off with her dragon breath completely unawares! The bottom line is, in these situations we have to ask ourselves: would I want to know? And while it would be horrifying to hear anyone, much less a guy I was attracted to tell me such a thing, I would be more horrified when I eventually found out and start replaying in mind everyone I came within (fire) spitting distance of, without knowing how offensive I was!

It so happens that I had a temporary b.o. issue due to a confluence of inadequate natural deodorant and a day where I was overdressed and as a result, sweated more than usual while wearing a wool sweater. When I took off the sweater, my beau (the Larry of my previous post )asked me if I wanted some deodorant. I said no, and he said “are you sure?” and let me tell you, I am a clean and generally good smelling person who myself has a low tolerance for bad smells, so I was mortified. But at least I realized that I had to ditch the Tom’s of Maine, and I did, that very day. I’ve been smelling like a rose- actually, better than a rose- ever since.

My point being, if you really ended it with her because of her funky breath, you would have had nothing to lose by pointing it out to her. And quite seriously, chronic bad breath can be a sign of a larger health issue (I read that in The New York Times!) Of course, you would want to break this to her in as sensitive a way as possible. Maybe start by offering her gum, mints – if that doesn’t help, or she refuses, you could have asked her what she had eaten (even if you well knew she hadn’t eaten a thing and had in fact, just brushed her teeth). When she responded with “Why? Does my breath smell?” You tell her the truth. And then the next time you see her you gently point out that it still smells. Yes, she may have cried, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Q: Second, I was dating a girl for a while, and then we broke up about 2 months ago. I want to get back together with her, but when I contacted her she was still very angry with me. So, in my mind I say that I'll re-approach her in 6-7 months when I'm back in America. What is the best advice for how to get back together with an ex?

A: Well, this is a tough one. First, you have to accept that there may not be any going back. Sorry to say it, but it’s true. There have been guys I have been crazy about, and would have done anything to be with, but once I’ve crossed that line of getting over them, it’s a wrap, end of discussion. Having said that, my general life’s philosophy is that a steady drip can bore a hole through a rock. So, bearing in mind that I have obsessive/stalkerish tendencies (almost 100% of the cyber-stalking variety, no restraining orders against me or anything!) so you should consider the source in taking this piece of advice – keep trying.

Now, you should keep trying in a specific way. I don’t know why you broke up, but since she is angry with you and seem not be angry with her, I’m going to assume you fucked up. So, first things first, make sure you apologize. Sometimes women wish for nothing more than an apology – if we get that, we can move past the hurt/anger, but the longer we go without one, the more resentful we feel. Second, make sure you know what you’re apologizing for. Apologize first – be contrite and convey to her that if you’ve done something to make her unhappy, you want to do what you can to make it up to her. But also don’t assume that you know exactly what you’ve done wrong. It is shocking to me how often men are blind to their offensive behavior. So find out, if for no reason other than to make sure you don’t do it again.

Third, give her time and space. Now, this one is tricky. If you give her too much time and space, she might think you’re not serious. I wouldn't wait 6-7 months if I really wanted someone back - she could be head over heels for someone else by then. But no one wants to feel smothered and harassed either, so you’re going to have to fine tune your Spidey Sense for this one. You know her, so you be the judge of how much is too much. But here’s a tip – if you call/email/text her and she ignores you, this is not a good sign. Plus, too much groveling is not attractive. You have to maintain your dignity if you ever want to have sex with her again. However, if you reach out and she engages you and wants to rehash all the reasons why she’s angry with you or reiterate her anger towards you, you might have a chance. If she was really over and done with you, she wouldn’t be bothered.

Lastly, have faith. Sometimes it’s hard to let someone go, especially since in hindsight it’s very easy to idealize/romanticize that person and your relationship with them. But know that if you and she are really connected and meant to be, you will get back together. And that might not happen right now or in the way you want it to, but have faith that it will happen if it’s the right thing for you both. And it’s very possible that the lessons that you’ve learned from this relationship are the keys to success in your next one.

SO, to recap: Be prepared to accept that it might not happen for you two right now or at all, but don’t give up until you’ve given it a few good, sincere and dignified college tries. And be careful – that restraining order will stay on your record forever.

Running the Percentages

2010-02-11T18:59:00.000-05:00

Not long ago, I had a discussion with a man who is in a long term relationship. Let’s call him Ben. Ben explained that his boyfriend, with whom he lives and is fully committed to, would occasionally sleep with other people. Ben told me that he was fine with this arrangement, because he would “rather have 50% of him than 100% of someone else.” My empowered single woman, self-help, you-go-girl, meditate- and-he- will-come jaw dropped. After all, wasn’t he straightforwardly (even cheerfully, actually) admitting that he was settling and he was proud to do so?

I’m in my mid-30s. I am technically single. Meaning, I’m actually single, but, I have had a romantic involvement for the past few months that has effectively taken me off the market. That’s just the kind of gal I am – I have a one-track, one-man mind about these matters. My paramour – let’s call him Larry- Larry likes me. I know from guys who just aren’t that into me, and trust me, Larry likes me a lot. We have a good time together, are very compatible in all arenas, and just plain enjoy each other’s company. He goes out of his way to spend as much time with me as possible, and he even walks my dog. Sounds great, right? Well, I am technically single because Larry doesn’t want to commit to me.

When we first started seeing each other, he was seeing two other women, whom I like to call his “flooze”. He has since dumped his flooze, because as he put it, “I know who I enjoy being with so it makes them seem not so interesting.” (It was in an email, so that really is a direct quote) So, for now it’s just me and Larry. But Larry wants to keep his options open. As the kids say, WTF? What percentage of Larry do I have? What percentage of Larry do I need to be happy?

I am uncomfortable with this idea of settling. And at least partly, it’s because of my pride. I say I want 100%, you say take 75% or leave it, and I say OK? It’s like getting ripped off at the car dealership. Will I remember, every time I drive that car, that I got taken? Or perhaps I’ll just love the way it handles, the good mileage it gets (OK, the blaring sexual innuendo is truly unintentional – too late to choose a new analogy) – the point being, I’ll just enjoy the car.

Recently, someone who knows both me and Larry observed, “I think that [Larry] tries to please you, and really – what more can you ask for?” I know that in every other regard, he does. Do I average out the percentages? 100% in our interpersonal interactions and 50% in our commitment level? And what if he never takes advantage of his open option to date someone else? Does that mean he’s giving me 100% despite his intention to the contrary? Is there such a thing as 100%, no matter if you do have an “exclusive commitment” label?

Perhaps the bigger question is: what percentage am I ready to give? Because this relationship thing, it's scary. At 100% I might just chicken out.